Here's to the New Year.

I love beginnings.  Hair cuts, lipstick, and the New Year all make me feel invincible.  Luckily I count the beginning of school, summer, and Jan 1 all as a fresh start.  And I'm totally due for a new one.

So in honor of a year with an unlucky number, here is my bucket list for living the single dream.  13th times the charm.

1. Go dancing.
2. Watch the sunrise.
3. Hike.
4. Run a 5k.
5. Ask someone out.
6. Camp.
7. Finish a book. For fun.
8. Try a new food.
9. Ask someone else out.
10. Tie-dye.
11. Visit a city.
12. Go to a new bar.
13. Do something on a whim.

2013, stay tuned. 

Ex-Mas

The holidays are a time for seeing family, friends, and running into awkward ex's from high school.  That is why I choose to hibernate and stay in my parents' house as much as possible.  

Just kidding.

Luckily for me, I have saved any awkward encounters with males for other holidays and places in my life.  But in some ways being single around Christmas is worse than Valentine's day.  Instead of two weeks of flowers and pink crap in your face, you have a month of sappy commercials and happy family Christmas photos.  Bah-hum-bug.

Single people don't fret, here's the light at the end of the tunnel: no excessive traveling, no in-laws, and you get to eat as many cookies as possible while wearing stretchy pants and having your mom comfort you at the same time.  Soon it'll be January and everyone will be miserable, relationship or not.  

Plus, I know every kiss begins with these luscious lips, not over the top bling.  And until I find someone who wants to rant about our consumer society as much as I do and laugh at the idea of Jesus turning over tables in the mall, I'm perfectly fine doing it with my family.

Happy Holidays!

Girls' (or guys) night out.

Every now and then, a night with my girls (and sassy gay bff) is necessary.  I know girls in relationships (and guys) need nights out with just their bros, but when you're single the need is much more frequent.  When there's no one to come home too, nothing is stopping you from chatting until 2 a.m.  Lots of wisdom and solving of the world's problems comes out after wine, chocolate, cheese fries, and conversation about Ryan Gosling.  On a serious note, I have amazing girl (and guy) friends who I would be even more insane without.  Both girls' and guys + HK nights are important for my livelihood, and here is just a taste of what I get from each type of gathering:

Girls

"Jack Black is my dream."
"I was in an emotional place, and I blamed it on Turkey."
"Remember in high school when...."
"Not in my pew!"
"Remember when we were on the floor?"
"Remember when ________ cried?"
"There are no men in this town."
"We were soooooo cool. Everybody wanted to be us."
"Remember all of alterego? Mine came out last weekend."
"Another one bites the dust"
"When I'm in a relationship, I will not be like that.  If I am, you can slap me."

Guys

"Poop."
"Remember my crazy ex...."
"I ate an entire thing of beans"
"Porch time?"
 "Yo baby"
"I ain't mad at 'em!"
"How bout them Heels?"

xoxo,
HK, J'miller, Kirbs, Hannah Montana, Hippie, Hannie

Signs that I like you.

I always think it’s blatantly obvious when I’m interested in someone, but my friends have to remind me sometimes this just isn’t so.  I think I wear my heart on my sleeve, not true.  (Although I always wear sass on my face, I tend to leave the heart at home.)  I’m probably giving off way more mixed signals than I intend, so here’s my attempt to clear that up.

1. I don’t want to hang out with you.  I’m SUPER awkward.  You know those scenes in television shows where the guy sees the cute girl and forgets his name?  I do that, on the reg.  I’ve darted the other way or ended seemingly normal conversations with attractive males.  Flight or fight kicks in and I flee.  So if you think I’m avoiding you, I’m probably actually into you.  Backwards, I know.
 
2. I want to hang out with you. Duh.  Who likes someone they don’t want to be around?

3. I’m not flirting with you.  Despite how much fun I am, I can be a serious person.  My favorite topics of conversation involve religion, politics, and solving the world’s problems.  If it feels like I’m trying to figure out your soul at a bar, it means I might actually be interested in you.  Extended superficial conversations bore me, and don’t really give me a good sense of who a person is.  If I’m boring you by asking your thoughts on marriage equality, it’s good to know that sooner than later.

4. I am flirting with you.  I’m bad at playing games and the social norms for mating.  Really, I would much rather just be direct.  But occasionally I abide by the rules and get my flirt on.  Usually this happens if you have passed the above stage of me not flirting with you, and I have deemed you a worthy person of extra attention.  Or maybe I’m just taking a five minute break from over analyzing people for a change.

5. You’re poor at communicating.  Weak. ness.  The harder you are to get to know, the more I want to know you.  If there’s no way in hell I know what you’re thinking, I probably want to date you.  Or at least have you like me enough to tell me all your secrets.

6. You’re good at communicating.  If we can talk about everything (and we agree on 99%), I might like you.  When I get tired of forcing guys to tell me how they feel, I go for someone who will actually tell me what’s going on.  It plays into my desire to be direct and talk about feelings.  If you don’t fall into those categories, don’t fret, you might still have a chance.  See #5.  

7. You like the same bizarre crap I do.  Some may call me adorkable, some may call me a hipster, I just call it weird.  I like random music and movies, books and foods.  And when I really like something, it becomes very core to my identity.  So when I find someone who is as obsessed with _____________ as I am, I get really excited.  And yeah I know, mutual interests aren’t everything.  Just because we both love flannel/summer/campfires, it doesn’t mean you’re my soul mate.  But it didn’t stop Tom, and it probably won’t stop me from crushing either.

8. We have nothing in common. Just kidding.

If that doesn’t clear up my thought processes, I don’t know what will.

A Word on Boring People.

Sometimes, people in relationships can be really boring.  And typically, these people fess us to how boring they are.  It's because once you have found someone who can tolerate your lackluster attributes, there's no reason to fake having an exciting life.  To paraphrase a relationship, boredom stricken friend of mine, "I've always been boring, now I just embrace it."

Being single, I don't have time for that.  I've got to be as interesting as possible, so I can find someone to be boring with later.  When you're single, it's all about delaying that gratification of doing absolutely nothing, so you won't be doing nothing alone.  Here are a few tips to keep from becoming a single snooze fest before your time.

1) If you watch TV, make sure the shows are applicable to a wide audience.  Pick your shows based on appeal to the masses and life relevance.  Personally, I recommend How I Met Your Mother and New Girl.  My roommate and I watch this on the reg, preferably in mixed gender company, just to increase the quality of the viewing experience.  Plus, it just gives us more people to rant about Ted with.

2) Never wear sweatpants. Ever. Ever.  Sweatpants are symbol that you have thrown any sex appeal out of the window.  One of my friends wears them to signal to her husband tonight is not the night.  Whilst single, sweatpants are a symbol you have given up.  Put your sweatpants in the depths of your closet and go buy leggings.  Leggings are sweats equally comfy, sexy sister.

Disclaimer:  Guys can wear sweatpants and still look attractive.  Damn you, double standards.

3) Leave the house after dark.  If you never do anything after 8:00 p.m., you're officially a party pooper.  If you are under the age of 30, don't to to play the "I'm so old" card.  Yeah, the first year after college is really different now that you're an "adult", but it doesn't make it acceptable to bail on all social gatherings that start after nine.  Live your 20's like it's the 1920's.  Save the Great Depression for a later decade.

If you're still worried you have become an uninteresting person before finding your equally dull soul mate, compare your life to my friend.  Before doing anything I see how said activity ranks on the boring scale, 1-Carie.  You can read about her life here.  She's actually one of my favorite people, so chances are, she is more exciting than you.

Only your kids should ever find you this dreadful.

Reasons I'm moving to a big city.

1. I don’t like driving.  It’s not like I hate it, I would just rather be able to ride public transportation.  That way I can use my time in a more productive way, like reading, daydreaming or doing Sudoko instead of having to pay attention to the road and search for parking.  Plus, buying gas is just depressing.

2. I’m extroverted.  Like really, the most extroverted person I know.  I love people, even when I don’t like them that much.  And yes, it is still possible to feel alone in a city full of people, but it’s still better for my sanity than when there’s not a human in sight.  (Exception to the rule: backpacking, given that I can find my trail buddy by nightfall.)

3. I’m progressive.  I have lived on oceanfront property on the the Red Sea, with the exception of my college home at the Lake of Carolina Blue. If I hear one more oppressive thing, from anyone, I’m going to lose it.  Quote the bible much?  I’ve got some verses to throw back at you too.       

4. Ethnic food.  I’ll try any (food) once.  Seriously, try me.  And as much as I love barbeque and sweet tea, there’s only so much you can eat without ensuring an early death.

5. It’s more socially acceptable to be single.  Sorry North Carolina, I’m just not going to meet the average marriage age of 25 for women.  The girl:guy ratio has not been in my favor the past decade.  Plus, I’ve been more focused on my MA than my MRS.  And being a BFD. 

                                                   Big Ben, Big Possibilities.

3 a.m.

I'm a night owl.  Anyone who has ever lived with me, or interacted with me before 10 a.m. knows I do not like mornings.  I wish I did, and I'm not one of those "don't talk to me before I've had my coffee" people, but I am a "don't expect my sentences to make sense until I've had my coffee" person.  I've spent some time working with youth, and by the end of a week long trip they started to replace my last name with Cranky.  Accurate.

That being said, as much as I loathe waking up, I love staying up late.  I look forward to the moment my second wind kicks in.  I can be tired all day, but be raring go by nightfall.  I love the way night time feels: dark, exciting, mysterious, magical.  It's like my frontal lobe regresses to my teenage self as the sun goes down and I start to believe I can do anything.  Life turns into a game of "good idea, fun idea" where all ideas seem fun AND good.

So while I'm single, childless, and without real employment, I have no excuse not to enjoy the crazy adventures that come when the sun sets.  Homework?  I'll do it tomorrow.  Sleep?  I'll do it tomorrow.  Quality time with quality people?  Not worth putting off for tomorrow.  Because tomorrow I might meet the love of my life, settle down, and become totally satisfied sitting at home every night.  (Just kidding, I'll always be too extroverted for that.  I'll be part of a couple that is still social.  Friends, you have my word.) 

3 a.m. I must be lonely? Dear Matchbox 20, you are wrong.  It's 3 a.m. I must be eating Mexican, going to get a milkshake, having a dance party, sharing secrets, rockin' on the porch, stargazing, skipping, and Living The Dream.

#sorrynotsleepy 

Coping Mechanisms.

Some girls make wedding boards on pinterest, here’s what I do to survive/enjoy my single status.

1. Chocolate.
2. Going to the Gym.  What can I say, I work out.
3. Ice Cream, preferably with chocolate.
4. Running away to the mountains.
5. Indie rom coms. top two: 500 days of summer. the art of getting by. the girls are crazy,

    the guys are precious.
6. Girls’ nights.
7. Chocolate.  
8. Becoming overly invested in a TV series.
9. My friends. Even if I die single, I won’t die alone.
10. Listening to the Avett Brothers. Tearing up every time Scott mentions his children.
11. Look at over the top engagement/wedding photos.  and be happy I’m using my         

      money for other things.
12. Listening to Dashboard (guilty throwback).
13. Trying to be spontaneous, despite how full my schedule is.
14. Halfway filling out every online dating account ever, and then not actually signing up.
15. Chocolate.
16. Unfiltered sarcasm.
17. Focusing on the positives. and making lists of them for the world to see.
18. Making unnecessary generalizations about the opposite sex I don’t actually believe.  
19. Making a list of places I might move to next.  Preferably, places where it’s abnormal 

      to be married at 24, and not the norm.
20. Praying to the gods of every religion that all this self reflection graduate school will 

      pay off.  I know it will, but right now it feels like waiting for caffeine to kick in.

21-infinity: Taylor Swift, all things British, and campfires.

Relationships that never happen.

I date a lot.  I go on many a first date, and sometimes they even lead to relationships.  There was the drummer I dated for a month before he was just too into his music.  Then the summer romance that just turned into so much more until the distance became too hard.  I had the high school sweetheart, where prom became the highlight (and downfall) of our relationship.  There was the guy I talked to in the library just because he had red hair.  And then we went out just because he had red hair.  And that’s where it ended too.  There was one random time I actually decided to talk to someone in a bar, and he turned out not to be a jerk.  For like two dates.  But then there was another one who kept the jerk at bay for two months.  There was the friend that I finally told I loved.  And it was an Avett song (You Swept Me Away), until it turned into a Taylor Swift song (pick any and all).  Then there was the guy that saw me from across a crowded room.  When he walked up, I let my guard down.  Then he walked away, and now my guard is a 6 foot brick wall.

Disclaimer:  All of these people are real, sort of.  All of these people I had relationships with.  But the truth is all of these relationships were in my head.  For many of them, what happened in my head was way more promising than what ended up happening in real life.  For others, it gave me an excuse not to try.  Sometimes that’s ok.  I didn’t really need  to talk to that tool-ish guy at the bookstore/basketballgame/bar anyway.  The problem is, when the relationship in my head keeps me from a relationship in real life.  So dear potential suitors, bring me back to reality.  Because you’re probably more empathetic than I’m giving you credit for.  And more patient. And less afraid of commitment.  And most importantly, more real.  And as much fun as it is to date that hipster-esque man in my head, I’d much rather date one in real life.

As long as he doesn’t mind knocking down walls.  Or at least isn’t afraid of heights.

Ferris Wheels.

I had the pleasure of going to the North Carolina state fair last weekend with some of my favorite people in the entire world.  We ate fried food, rode something that spun, wish I hadn't eaten those fried Oreos, saw the biggest pumpkin in the universe (ok the state) and rode the Ferris Wheel.

Predicament.

The Ferris Wheel, presents MAJOR problems when you're single. 
1. Who am I going to sit with?  
2. How depressing is this going to be with out someone I can be disgustingly cute?
3. Are my cute couple-y friends going to make me more depressed?
(If the answer is yes, I usually force my way in between them so they have to pay me attention.  I know they love it when I do that.)

Fortunately for me, there were a number of us standing strong and riding solo.  I didn't have to worry about getting on a couple car by myself.  Also, we were at the fair during the day, which makes it 99% unromantic.  Sure the fair looks all pretty lit up at night, but not so much when you're just getting a better view of the classiest population in the South.

Plus, who knows what riding the Ferris Wheel solo will lead to.  Ryan Gosling may climb up and ask me out on a date.  If I was riding with my boyfriend, I'd have to decline.  Or dump my bf mid-ride, and that would just get awkward.

There is something about being high in the sky, even if at first the view seems bleak.
 
After I stop getting in my own way, all I can see is potential.

Maybe(s).

Being single, there’s a lot up in the air.  Life isn’t consistent and doesn’t have to be.  When the days are feeling monotonous, I have to remind myself I can change the routine when and if I want to.  There is so much up in the air because there’s nothing tying me down.  No kids, no house, no problems.  As long as I can eat and make my car payment I can do anything.  Move across the country?  Sure.  Go to NYC for a weekend?  I’ve got a credit card, I can make it work.  Stay in school forever because a stipend is livable when buying groceries for one?  Definitely contemplated that.  Every day is a new adventure, as long as that’s the perspective I choose.

The only kind of maybe that is not liberating is when it comes from someone else.  Maybe in the future something will happen.  Maybe when the timing is right.  Maybe when I’ve finally matured. In this case, rather than becoming an adventure, maybe becomes paralyzing and keeps me from moving on.  Maybe keeps me stuck in something called hope, and a false hope at that.  As Sara Bareilles said, “Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me.”  Maybe becomes limiting instead of limitless.  In this case maybe keeps me from adventure rather than urging me to pursue one.  If your answer is maybe, let me have the opportunity to see if someone else’s answer is yes.  You are pretty special to me today but I’m a grown ass woman.  I can handle more than maybe, even if that means saying no.  And I want to be able seek out the maybe(s) that are good.  

So maybe we can go to Europe.  Maybe we can hike the AT.  Maybe we can stay out until the sun comes up.  Maybe we’ll make a midnight milkshake run.  But as for whether or not this will ever be more than a maybe, check Yes or No, please.  There are too many other maybe(s) out there for me to worry about this one.

Ways to stay single forever, until death do you part.

I have a lot of experience being single.  Probably more than the average twenty-something female.  Since there people out there that I am sure are trying to figure out to sustain their single status, here are my top tips.

1. Only talk to people via text messages.  It's the best form of communication and never gets confusing.

2. Only pursue emotionally unavailable people.  You never have to worry about those relationships making it.

3. Talk about kids on all first dates.  Include names and numbers.

4. Keep a couple of ex's around.  It's not weird at all.

5. Never compromise.  This ensures you will never develop a healthy relationship with anyone.

6. Spill your soul immediately.  That will keep them running the other direction.

7. Send mixed signals on the reg, just to keep people guessing.

8. Be either too approachable or not approachable at all.

9. Set up camp in the friend zone.  I think that's where I've built my first home.

10. Write a blog about the perks of being single.

Take my advice and you'll always have enough space to cuddle with your pillow in that double bed!

Everything I’ve learned about love, I've learned from Nicholas Sparks.

Due to my limited dating experience, I have to turn to trusted sources such as friends and romantic comedies to get a sense of what love is like.  Now that I’m no longer a preteen, I take Disney channel princess’s with a grain of salt and have had to turn to more reliable stories.  Nicholas Sparks is as close to reality as you can get.  Everything I've learned about love and life, I've learned from him.  Here are just the top ten.

1. First kisses always happen in the rain.  Or a shower, if weather isn't permitting.
2. Everyone has a secret musical talent.
3. Emotionally tortured guys make the BEST boyfriends.
4. If you tell someone not to fall in love with you, they’ll fall in love with you.
5. It is only possible to find romance near a body of water.
6. Letters are a great way to communicate, unless your mother is involved.
7. There’s no point in looking for love during adulthood, because it won’t live up to when you were in high school.
8. It’s not a love story unless someone dies.
9. Lying down in the road is not a safety hazard, it’s precious.
10. It’s totally reasonable to expect a guy to walk hundreds of miles, build a house, or transfer colleges just to win my affection.

For the record:  I haven’t actually read any Nicholas Sparks, however, I have seen the movies. I’m not really into having delusions and unrealistic expectations in relationships, but I can’t say no to Ryan.  Hey boy, I see you in a love story that would never actually happen.  Ever.  I’ll fall in love with you even if you don’t build me a house.  Some call it low standards, I call it reality.

Closure.

I’m really great at break up conversations.  Like, a pro.  The “he’s just not into you” situation, been there, mastered that.  Whether I’m the dumper or the dumpee, I know how to speak civilly about feelings without anyone cursing or saying I hate you.  It’s almost unreal.  The only time I’ve cried during such convos is because I felt bad about breaking up with someone, not because I got dumped (emphasis on during, I’m not going to pretend like being rejected is easy).  It’s almost weird how caring these conversations are for two people who aren’t working out.  Maybe it’s because this is all I know.  If my life were a movie it would be a combination of When Harry friend-zoned Sally, 500 days of Hannah, and Nick and Nora’s Finite playlist.  My life is a rom com where people live happily after ever, respecting and appreciating the other party and the time they had together.  Really?  

That just means, the “I actually am interested in you” situations are the ones in which I’m socially inept.  Things working out?  I don’t know how to do that.  Give me a hottie that just wants to be my friend, I know how to overcome that rejection.  Someone that I’m not interested in?  I can respectfully decline.  Something that might actually work?  I may be really good at closing the door and locking it behind me, but jumping out of the window is a little more frightening.  What will happen if I fall?  Will closure still be there?  

Although Closure is a great thing to have, it is also comfortable.  And even if I fall, I’ll always have my friends to help me get back up.  That’s what ice cream, HIMYM, and Taylor Swift are for.  Doors may be closed but the window’s open, and someone sweatered just walked by.

I’ve got some jumping to do.    

If Ted Mosby is really talking to cats.

In lieu of television shows starting again, I’ve been having some pretty serious discussions with my friends about what is to come this fall.  When will Jess and Nick get together?  Who will win the voice this year?  And most importantly, will Ted ever meet the mother?  I have some cynical (they prefer “realistic”) friends who think it’s all a hoax, dream, or hallucination and Ted will end up alone. Freud would say something in their childhood caused this unjustified hatred of happiness and love. Personally, I think it’s from watching 500 Days of Summer and living in a barren wasteland of no potential romance.  But I digress.

I still have hope that Ted will meet the mother, and my faith in love will continue to exist.  If the writers really are cruel, insensitive people and have his children morph into cats in the series finale, this is what I will do:

1. Yell obscenities.
2. Refuse to believe the show is actually over.
3. Write a letter to CBS.
4. Cry.
5. Watch 500 Days of Summer.
6. Make an online dating account.
7. Never watch TV again.
8. Lose all faith in love.
9. Read 50 Shades of Grey. (Just kidding.)
10. Watch the Notebook.
11. Talk about the finale for the next 6 months.
12. Diagnose Ted with a mental disorder.
13. Blame it on the fact that Ted is too needy.
14. Blame it on Robin.
15. Blame it on the writer’s childhood/ex/parents.
16. Watch the entire series to see what went wrong.
17. Blame it on Lilly.
18. Suit up.
19. Realize that I’m just projecting my feelings onto Ted, and that there’s still hope in the real world. (fingers crossed.)
20. Transfer all my unhealthy emotional investment in television to New Girl.

If there’s hope for someone as awkward as Jess, there’s hope for me.

One week soulmates: Christian teenager edition.

  As every good Christian teenager knows, the best time to find love is in the summer.   Specifically, this love is found on a mission trip or at summer camp.  In working with teenagers this past summer I got to witness these one week romances.  It brought me back to my younger days, where I would be totally convinced that someone and I were destined to be after 5 days of hanging out in a contrived setting.  One summer I had no less than three summer soulmates.  I knew we would be connected forever  because our experience was SO real.  But of course, nothing ever made it past august once we were back in school and he was more worried about being cool.

        But as a teenager is it great being single in the summer and getting to know a different side of who someone is.  I do believe that my summer soulmates really were good guys that wanted to talk about faith even though when we left they were more concerned about partying a dating a more socially acceptable person rather than the hanging out with the Preacher’s kid that made straight A’s.  My friends were also disappointed by many a one week romances who were so cute playing with impoverished children but folded to being “cool” during the other seasons of the year.

        Young people, do not let this discourage you.  Cherish these short lived flames, but take them for what they are.  I really do believe you see the best of someone away from all the pressures of peers and parents.  Enjoy your single status and get to know people and give them the benefit of the doubt.  But if you’re not single, consider yourself warned: leaving that loyal boyfriend of two years probably isn’t worth a crush that is 75% mountains, subtropical heat, or Jesus music.

        God knows what you did last summer. And chances are, your youth leaders do too. ;)

An Open Letter to Taylor Swift.

Dear Taylor,

I just want to personally thank you for your new jam, which is a gem at that.  Although I do not have anyone specific to sing your song to right now, it does help me get in touch with my scorned side and teenage tendencies.  Props to you for sticking it to that man, he sounds like a tool.  I’m sure your music collection is way better than his.  Tell him I said Vampire Weekend is too mainstream now, get a new indie band.  I recommend the Dodos.  They’re totes legit. 

And girl, I don’t have time for exhausting relationships either.  I’ve got too many friends and awesome things to do instead.  And guy friends who are all about blasting your hits in the car. I can totally hook you up when you get tired of talking politics at the dinner table.

xoxo,
HKizzle

P.S. JB said never say never, but sometimes it’s necessary.  I’ve got your back on that one.

500 Days of Summer.

Everyone has their favorite love story.  When they’re feeling down, and want hope that love exists, or at least attractive people are still out there, they reach for the favorite film with an attractive cast. For many females in my age cohort, this movie would be the Notebook.  Not this girl.  When I’m looking for a love story pick-me-up it’s not the Notebook, Sweet Home Alabama, or How to lose a Guy in 10 days I reach for.  My favorite romance is 500 Days of Summer.

“What?” you may be thinking, “That movie is SAD.”  It’s not sad, it’s REAL.  And as someone who has been both Summer and Tom, it’s hopeful.  What’s worse, breaking someone else’s heart or having yours broken?  Honestly, I don’t know.  People, that’s life.  Sometimes things just don’t work out.  Yeah, Summer sucks.  But in defense of her, she didn’t know.  Sometimes you just aren’t feeling it.  You don’t want to hurt someone, but it happens.  And other times, your dreams are dashed and you think they are crazy for missing something that seems so clear to you.  Both are hard, no matter which side you’re on.  But what does this wise indie film teach us?  Never give up.

Tom is alone and Summer is married. Yeah, that’s terrible.  He could quit at life (and does for a few days) and never be happy again.  But he doesn’t let one girl break him.  There’s always another season in life.  If Tom and Ted Mosby were real, I think they would be friends.  There’s always more to your love story, if you keep writing it.  And sometimes the people that teach us the most about relationships are the ones that don’t work out.  I’m sorry, I really didn’t want to hurt you. Now I would do so much better.

So anytime I need a reminder that the world will keep turning no matter how badly I’ve hurt someone or how hurt I think I am, to Zooey and JLG I will turn.  I love summer, but I love even more when seasons change.

The Fourth of July.

The fourth of July and New Year’s Eve are two of my favorite holidays.  Sure, Christmas and Thanksgiving are great family holidays, but the f of J and NYE are for friends.  I love the traditions that have emerged in my life around these two events.  NYE has become a point of reuniting with my college friends and the fourth of july for my summer camp friends.  Although both groups of friends are very treasured, there are a few reasons why the Fourth of July is a great day as an eligible bachelorette.

It’s Summer.  This means swimsuits, sun dresses, polos.  Flip flops and the pool.  Tans.  Plus, fireworks on a summer night are way better than fireworks in thirty degree weather.

Dancing.  So at my camp the fourth always involves a dance.  And not a “back that...up,” inappropriate, you wouldn’t want your parents to see you, kind of dance.  One where you swing your partner (not in a country western fashion) and promenade.  The guys actually have to have rhythm (or a girl who knows how to back lead).  For once, I get to be twirled and feel like a lady. It’s my yearly reminder that chivalry is not 100% dead.

No pressure to kiss.  Why do people kiss at midnight on NYE?  Woooohooo it’s a new year, let’s make out?  More importantly, why does everyone not in a relationship feel like they have to find someone to kiss?  If I don’t know you, I really don’t want you up in my face.  No thanks.  So I really appreciate the fact I can enjoy a holiday without any pressure of gift giving or PDA.  But then again, if I feel inspired by freedom or the pursuit of happiness, I’m not going to fight it.

Unfiltered: The Notebook.

Despite how much I reference this movie, it’s not actually my favorite rom com.  If I want a sappy, hopeful, love film, I’d rather watch 13 going on 30, or Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, or 500 Days of Summer.  (Yeah, yeah, I know Summer sucks, but somehow I always end up optimistic about my dating future after watching that movie.)  I have many friends who are huge fans of the Notebook, and I respect that choice.  And I have seen it more than once, and cried more than once when watching it.  But I have a bone to pick with Mr. Sparks.

I don’t buy it.  I want Nicholas to write an autobiography about his own real life love story. I want to know how that went down.  Is he as romantic as all his fictional characters?  I’m a well known cynic, so to me it seems like a pack of lies.  He built a house.  Why didn’t he just bust up in the restaurant when he saw her then?  Personally, I would have taken him back right then and there, as soon as I heard about the 365 letters he wrote.  Then he would have saved all that time on manual labor and drinking too much liquor.

I’m all for a romantic gesture, don’t get me wrong.  I do have a heart (and it’s not made of stone).  But the only thing that surprasses dear nick on unrealistic expectations about relationships is Disney.  If I leave a Tom shoe anywhere, no one will be trying to find me, except to tell me to wash my feet.  And I’m guessing a glass slipper wouldn’t smell much better either.

Watching the Notebook while you’re single is like eating too much chocolate (also done frequently by single people).  It first makes you feel better, happier, and more content, followed quickly by self-loathing depression.  Maybe I’ll have more favorable feelings about the Notebook once I’m in a relationship (fingers crossed), but let’s be real.  I’ll just think my own story is better.

Reasons to stay single in high school.

I wasn’t a huge fan of high school, but for some reason I have a desire to relive my angsty years by working with teenagers.  So lonely youth of America, keep your heads up.  Here are some reasons to be happy if you’re single.

1. You don’t have to worry about realizing whoever your crush of the week is in reality a total dud.  Because most of them are.  And not many relationships they start in high school work out once you graduate.  (Cheers to the recently wedded Braswells, they are 1 in 1,000,000.)  Chances are you’ll break up and be embarrassed at how “totally awesome” you thought that person was.  Your friends DEFINITELY will never let you forget it.
2. You’ll have lots of friends.  Some high school couples balance friends and relationship well, but many don’t.  And those times with your bros or your girls will be way more memorable and have a higher likelihood of sticking around than that totally hot kid in math class.
3. Dealing with 16 year old boys: xbox, wii, cod, bodily noises, “Do we have to talk?” shoulder shrug, Transformers
4. Dealing with 16 year old girls: “Looooooooooooooove me”, Prom, Prom, Prom, "what are you thinking about?", hearing about Taylor Lautner, 10,000 texts a day
5. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
6. OMG WHY DIDN’T YOU RESPOND TO MY TEXT MESSAGE? WHY AREN’T YOU MORE LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER AND OTHER HIGH PITCHED PHRASES.
7. Prom.  Girls, just go with your friends.  It’ll be easier and less stressful.  95% of guys would rather be playing video games anyway.
8. Getting good grades.  When you have  tons of homework and 100 extracurriculars, there’s no time for relationships.  But it’s worth it.  Working hard in high school gets you into a good college where the dating pool is 100 times better.  Hypothetically.  That’s what your parents will tell you and it’s true as long as you check out the girl:guy ratio before you enroll.  Why didn’t I want to be an engineer?  #liberalartsproblems
9. Being just friends with the opposite sex is great.  I have some awesome guy friends from high school.  And unlike all the guys I tried to date, they’re still around.  Pro: reliving high school memories.  Con: reliving high school memories.
10. Everyone needs their suffering years (at least, that’s what  I learned from the movie Little Miss Sunshine) and if you never experience being single, you miss a lot of suffering.  The ability to connect to [insert emo band here] will make you a lot of friends in the future.

Admittedly, I wasn’t single by choice in high school, and I actually liked video games and star wars.   Darn you highschool-crush-i-would-never-actually-pursue-in-adulthood.  But looking back, I’m really happy with the way things went, even if at the time it sucked.

*Note: some of this reasonsing also applies to college, or as I like to refer to it, extended adolescence.

The friend that gets engaged before you.

Everyone has someone they expected to engaged before. Don’t try to deny it, you know it’s true. That awkward kid in high school that always answered everything right in math /history/everysingle class, and you just sat there thinking “I’ll definitely get married before him/her.” Now thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, you know that said personyou dubbed as a social outcast is happily engaged while you’re sitting home alone, with four roommates, three cats, or your parents. You can’t believe someone as cool as yourself is getting beat down the aisle. But don’t stress, you’ve still got time. And during time, keeps these things in mind.

There’s someone out there cooler than you. Shocking, I know. Personally I’m in denial of this fact 95% of the time. But remember, whatever you’re feeling toward your awkward friend, someone is going to feel about you. I know that no matter how awesome I think I am, when I get married in roughly 10 years (fingers crossed), someone will be shocked that this force of crazy found someone willing to say “I do.” So humble yourself. Because your awkward friend has someone even more awkward than them, and you are that awkward friend to someone else. It’s the The Circle of (social) Life.

They’re doing you a favor. When other people get engaged, you should congratulate them, no matter how weird you think they are or bitter you’re feeling that day. They’re really helping you out by weeding out the dating pool for you. All your friends getting engaged are probably marrying people you wouldn’t want to date anyway. So by taking them off the market, they’re helping you avoid potential failed relationships. Whew. Be genuinely excited for all of these betrothals, even if it’s purely out of selfish reasons.

So to all of those getting engaged, congrats! And never fear, I know there’s no one as awkward as I am, so the fact that anyone I’ve ever known has found the one is no surprise to me. Plus, I tend to surround myself with socially apt, wonderful people. Is this a reflection of my charm and interpersonal skills? I’d like to think so, but lbr, I’m more a reflection of my lovely friends than they are of me. 

Fictional Characters.

You may be thinking by now, this girl is ridiculous.  What type of guys does she actually like?  Would anyone meet her seemingly unrealistic expectations?  Well until a real live one comes along, here are some fictional characters I would go for if they existed.

Note: Although some actors appear more than once, the parts they play are at least somewhat different.

1. Kevin, 27 Dresses: I vow to be cynical until death do us part.
2. Pete, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton: Fall for your friend, yes please.
3. Cameron, 10 things I hate about you: Nerd alert, love alert.
4. Ron Wealsey, The Harry Potter series: Always a fan of a comedian.
5.Eric Forman, That 70s Show: Gotta love the boy next door.
6. Tom, 500 Days of Summer: You had me at IKEA.
7. Peeta, The Hunger Games: I don’t know which I love more, cake or loyalty.
8. George, The Art of Getting By: Hip.ster. And poor at communicating his feelings, so typical.
9. Nate, The Devil Wears Prada: He loves her when she has integrity and normal clothes.
10. Troy Bolton, High School Musical: He can dance, he can sing, he’s got a great head of hair. ‘nuf said.

Some girls think bad boys have charm, but a good guy with awesome hair is just my type.

For the record: I feel like I should explain why I did NOT include the following.

1. Noah, The Notebook: Sure, the whole “My life is over without you” thing is attractive, but so is “I am still whole person even without you.”
2. Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother: Ted’s a good guy but his willingness to date women out of marriage or engagement for less than five minutes is just too much for me.
3. Any character played by Channing Tantum: Yes he is attractive, but I like shaggy hair and nerds. Crazy, I know.

Being Mysterious.

I am an enigma.  I’m really good at playing the game.  I have this really great mystique about me that keeps all the guys enamored and guessing what I’m going to do next. They’re constantly wondering what I think of them, and if they’ve passed the test.  No one ever really knows what I’m feeling, except for my besties of course.

FALSE.  I think it’s really obvious how I feel about someone.  But then I reflect upon my actions and realize I am the most confusing person ever.  Just because my emotions are apparent to me, doesn’t mean that they are to everyone else.  And just because I talk to a guy doesn’t mean he knows I’m interested.  Especially when I’m asking about his political views and religious beliefs, although I think this shows more genuine interest than giggling and twirling my hair a lot.

Unfortunately, any element of surprise in my actions is not due to any level of mystery, just my inability to communicate clearly.  As one of my good friends recently reminded me, running away expresses loathing and disdain for someone, not romantic interest.  Whoops.

So although being too forward can be intimidating for the other party and has proven to be disastrous in my previous experience, I maintain that those choices were better than the times I’ve bolted in the opposite direction.  Any air of mystery I seem to have retained is not a perk of being single, it’s a reason I’m still single.  In short, if I leave the room when you enter, there’s a 75% chance I think you're cute and actually want to talk to you.  Counter intuitive, I know.

And cut me some slack, at least I’m aware.  Admitting is the first step.
  

                                                      

Graduation.

Graduation from high school and college is a bittersweet experience.  Well, high school was more sweet, and college more bitter.  I was definitely ready to graduate high school and as equally not ready to graduate college.  Both are supposed to be exciting new steps into the world, but when I graduated college I was newly single and unemployed.  Despite how daunting this seemed at the time, there were some advantages.  

Every aspect of my life was an adventure.  I was going to a new place with new people. (Fine I was just going back to summer camp, but I did end up moving somewhere new half way into the summer).  I didn’t know anything that was going to happen.  New friends, new faces, new town, nothing was holding me back.  Everything was exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

No long distance.  It’s great to have a support system when you enter the “real world” but let’s be real, long distance relationships suck.  If yours doesn’t, chances are you don’t really care about the person you’re with.  I have a wonderful friend who has made her long distance relationship work, so it’s definitely possible.  But for those of you entering the next step of your life unattached, use this to your advantage.  It’s nice not to be limited to a geographic region or be states away from the one you love.  

So single students of the class of 2012, whether you’re graduating high school or college, enter the next step of your life unattached, and unfazed by anything.  Fly your single flag proudly, and I hope you find that someone special within a sixty mile radius of you!  If not, welcome to the club, make sure you’ve packed your best sass.  

To paraphrase the younger brother of my friend, “My life is too much of an unwritten book to be writing in pen.”  Teenage wisdom at its best.

Exceptions to the rule:  If you and your significant other are moving to the same place. This doesn’t necessarily include going to college together.  Some couples stay together and actually end up happily married ever after.  I know a wonderful couple who survived the transition of high school to college, and I am thrilled to be a bridesmaid in their wedding.  But be warned high school sweethearts, IT’S HARD.  So godspeed and god bless.  If it’s going to happen, you’ve got to be willing to work.  And let’s be real, who wants to work in college? At 18, working at a relationship was not in my emotional capacity; I only had time for academia and my friends and my relationship status showed the fruits of that lack-of-labor.

If you are moving with your significant other after college, congrats!  I wish you the best, and out of all the other couples out there, you’ve got the best shot.  Just be sympathetic with all us single twenty somethings, we may seem bitter, but we’re just jealous you beat that 60:40 ratio.  Why didn’t I go to a tech school?  #liberalartsproblems   

Room for Squares and Heavier Things.

I am huge John Mayer fan.  I am not ashamed to say I am in possession of most his music, with the exception of his new album.  And although I enjoy his recent work, I have a particular nostalgic love for his first two albums, Room for Squares and Heavier Things.  It’s probably because I listen to these on repeat as a high schooler.  So now they remind me of a simpler time, that in the moment I thought was very complicated.  I think anything that gets you through your angsty teenager years continues to be a comfort, much like an old friend, in adulthood.

Since high school, sometimes I forget about dear John, probably because of musicians like Taylor Swift.  When I go back and listen to the stuff he wrote when he was more of a youngin’, it’s not that surprising that the two of them got together.  It’s also not surprising it didn’t last long.  You need at least one not-so-jaded person in a relationship.

If you’re still doubting John Mayer’s early artistic ability due to how much you hated ”Your Body is a Wonderland,” these are my top 5 relationship related songs off of his first two albums.  Give them a listen, in this order:

1. My Stupid Mouth, Room for Squares
2. Home Life, Heavier Things
3. Split Screen Sadness, Heavier Things
4. Love Song for No One, Room for Squares
5. Wheel, Heavier Things

Comfortable, from his debut EP Inside Wants Out is also wonderfully depressing love song, when you’re in the mood.

Try to tell me you didn’t just experience almost every emotion known to humankind.  If you do, I know you’re lying, or the tin man.

*Message and free advertising not endorsed by John Mayer.

The Facebook Newsfeed.

Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, it is easier to keep up with our friends than it has ever been before.  I know everything every one of my friends is doing, as long as they are willing to put it online.  Unfortunately, this also means I know everything about everyone I have ever met or come into contact with which includes anyone I’ve ever had a crush on. This includes good things, like attractive profile pictures, and where they are currently residing.  But it also enlightens me of unwanted information, like engagements.  Mark, I do not thank you, I blame you for this unnecessary knowledge in my life.  Rude.

I recently learned of such an engagement.  He was one of those crushes that just never worked out.  I wasn’t into him in high school, he wasn’t into me in college.  As I’ve mentioned before, timing is not (ever) in my favor.  And now he is GETTING MARRIED. What?!  I’m happy for you, but I would have been just as happy without this information.

A former flame getting engaged raises a lot of questions.  The most important and obvious one being, what if things had worked out between us?  Would I be the one getting married right now?  Let’s be real, probably not.  Things didn’t work out then, chances are they wouldn’t work out now.  So if you’re a single somebody and see that someone you used to be enamored with has found their happily ever after, remember this.  If you were still trying to make things work with that person, it would most likely be arguing ever after, and not so much happy.  Things didn’t work out for a reason, and lucky for you, you’ve already figured out what they were before it got serious, and then seriously awkward.

For now you can just hold on to the belief in karma and that one day, when you change your relationship status to “engaged”, there will be a soft thud as someone puts their head on their keyboard in disappointment at your happily ever after.

What comes around, goes around.  Or at least I tell this to myself so I can sleep at night.      
For the record:  Personally, I think it’s way worse when I find out a former crush is “in a relationship” rather than “engaged.”  At least when they are getting married, they are permanently off the market.  There’s no awaiting the day when the single status reappears. (Because if you wish that on a married person, that’s just wrong.)  If you find yourself in such a situation, do not look at the new girl/boyfriend’s profile.  

I feel qualified to give that advice, because I’m actually quite good at practicing what I preach.  If said crush is someone you still communicate with and doesn’t bother to mention the new person they’re dating, they’re probably not that significant.  So finding out every detail about this person and using energy comparing yourself to them isn’t really worth it.  Because in 3 months, when the  relationship ends, you don’t want to be stuck with a lot of knowledge about someone that was just passing through.

Having a Pet.

Is there anything more satisfying than the little sigh your dog makes when he’s settled down for a nap? Or that freaky look your cat gets in her eye when you swing the string in front of her face? No, there’s nothing better. One of my favorite perks of being single is that I can have a pet allllll to myself.

Sometimes, when you begin a relationship, one of the participating parties brings a pooch or kitty with them. Enter conflict and trauma. For the animal. Now who are they supposed to be loyal to? The smelly man-thing that has always thrown the ball for them, or this new female-thing that makes cooing baby sounds while rubbing their tummy? What about excitement level? Who am I supposed to wag harder for? Do I concentrate on earning new love and affection, or settle with just the old standby? Cats really don’t have these issues because they disdain all human beings, but you get my point.

Sharing pets is also like parenting. Does she coddle and spoil the hamster? Bad news, brat babies on the horizon! Or does he get mad when the puppy won’t leave him alone during the game? Warning, dude: your kids will be worse.

In place of all this strife, a single person has a pet all their own. Maybe it’s the old dog you took with you when you moved out of your parents split-level, maybe it’s a kitten you thought you couldn’t say no to (until it shredded your couch), or maybe it’s just the pet you plan on getting when you can finally afford it. Whoever your beloved animal companion is, they’re all yours. You put that pug in a cowgirl outfit if you want to. Sing Celine Dion to your cat. Make your fish follow your finger around the outside of the tank. Whatever, they’re stuck with just you. And you can name them whatever you want. Colin Firth the cat? Yes. Beethoven the Basset hound? Sure, do whatever you want because right now they’re your most significant other, and no one else gets a say. 

-Katie Lank

For the Record:  Personally I am not really a pet person.  (yeah, crazy I know.)  But if I had a choice, I would get a cat that acts like a dog.  It's possible.  I have friend who has a cat like this.  There are two great things about such a creature.  1. You don't have to walk it, because it's a cat.  2.  But it still loves you and wants to cuddle because it acts like a dog.  If I can't find one of these rare animals, I'll just adopt a kid if I'm still single at 35.  I'm just more of a kid person and one parent is better than none.  Try to argue with that logic, please.

-HK