Ryan Gosling.

If for some reason you live under a rock (or in a house you’ve been building for your one true love and not keeping up with pop culture) and don’t know who Ryan Gosling is, look up a picture.  He is beautiful. Even better, he plays beautiful people in movies.  I think every girl died in her seat during the Notebook. He was even charming in Remember the Titans.  And now thanks to the NC-17 rating of Blue Valentine, it doesn’t even matter that Noah is a fictional character.  Ryan Gosling is as awesome of a person as he looks.  He doesn’t have to be a feminist to get laid, but he is because he’s just that great.  Now I’m sure he isn’t actually perfect, because no one is.  He probably has some major flaw like being too nice, or giving, or just too good looking.  Unless he’s abusive, alcoholic, cheating or lying, I think I’ll be able to overlook whatever his faults are.  (Movie stars need standards too).  

And since I’m single, I have a shot right?  I think I can deal with paparazzi and have a photo meme in honor of us.  

Single Ladies (Put a ring on it).

Now I have a friend who is married and loves this song.  It’s great when her husband talks about it; apparently she would turn her engagement ring around when she did the dance.  I don’t doubt her enthusiasm for the song, but there’s nothing like actually being single and knowing Beyonce has got your back.  Even though I find the phrase “If you like it you should have put a ring on it” fairly offensive, because I am no thing to put a ring on, I can’t help but sing out every time the Radio Gods bless me with this tune.  Beyonce highlights some great perks about being single in three minutes: going to the club, making guys jealous, and dancing in high heels.  So thank you Beyonce, for telling us single girls we DO have something to sing about.

Holidays.

In hearing my married friends talk about which person’s parents they will spend with this year, I just want to note I enjoy spending the most magical time of the year with my family.  Now I’m sure I’ll be excited to get to know where the genetic makeup of my future husband comes from (which preferably includes genes for red hair, if not there’s always adopting an Irish orphan), but there’s nothing quite like being home for the holidays.  What people don’t often realize is when you get married, you’re not just marrying the person but their ENTIRE family.  And even when their family isn’t physically in the room, they are still there in spirit, or patterns of behavior.  And sorting through your own family of origin is difficult enough, trying to understand another family is a whole other challenge unto itself.  

The holidays are a time that bring out the charm and the oddities of families.  What you may think is a normal tradition, is completely weird to someone else.  And even little things become a big deal when you’re with another family around Christmas.  His mom doesn’t make the right pie; he doesn’t like how your mom decorates the Christmas tree.  You don’t like how the men do nothing in his house on Thanksgiving; he isn’t used to being expected to do anything other than watch football and drink beer.  So the two of you have to have conversations about what you want your marriage/family/relationship to be like. (Ah, the importance of communication.)  This can be easy or a very painful, difficult task (Just a guess, more times than not difficult rather than easy.)  So eventually, I will be ready to have these important, necessary conversations with someone (where are you???)  But until I have to change, I’m going to enjoy my Santa Clause watching, Nutcracker going, 3 church services on Christmas Eve family for as long as I can.

Being objective (or judging) other people’s relationships.

Despite the fact that I am not in a relationship, I have lots of opinions about relationships that others choose for some reason to be in.  I told my friend recently I was going to give her my thoughts on her situation, whether she wanted my insight or not.  (But who wouldn’t want my advice?  People that like to make mistakes, that’s who.) My fascination with my friends’ dating/married lives (it’s like crack to me) has led me to believe I’d make a GREAT therapist.  I do, however, have this fear that someday a friend, or more importantly, a client will look at me and say “You’re not in a relationship, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”  I will give one of three replies.  1. I’ve read a lot of books.  2.  I have a license to judge.  Literally, look at that piece of paper authorized to me by the state of North Carolina.  3. I am happy and single, and you are miserable in a relationship.  Who is making good decisions now?  

But in all seriousness, people fascinate me and people’s relationships with one another fascinate me more.  I’ve made my fair share of terrible decisions whilst blinded by butterflies and sexual attraction, or just fear of being alone: running away, (legit, like ran to the bathroom because I FREAKED OUT.  Needless to say, that didn’t work out the way I wanted), staying in a relationship too long, didn’t write back, told him I was interested prematurely, etc. etc. (running away still takes the cake).  For now, observing other people’s relationships gives me a good (well realistic) expectation of how things work.  And probably even more valuable, how things DON’T work.    

Deciding it's not You, it's Him.

So for those of you who don’t know what it’s like to be single for a long ass time, it gets lonely.  You start to wonder, what is wrong with me?  Do I have consta-spinach in my teeth?  Am I really that ugly?  Do I need new shoes? Is it my personality?  Am I not as funny as I think I am? (HA, that can’t be it).  If I’m questioning one thing one day, the next day it's something else.  But then after beating myself up because imaginary guys aren’t asking me out, I have a conversation with a real life, breathing one and realize, it’s not me, it’s them.  I’m single because I have this thing called STANDARDS.  And middle school flirting isn’t going to cut it anymore.  No, it’s not funny to mock my interests, beliefs, women’s rights or make comments that GO AGAINST SCIENTIFIC FACTS.  And yes, although your sarcasm and wit were initially charming it would be nice to have a serious conversation every once in a while.  Is depth too much to ask for?

Disclaimer:  I 100% recognize that 95% of my problem is because of some twisted sick attraction I have to males who are emotionally unavailable and unable of communication.  Eventually I’ll find one that is appropriately in touch with his emotions and wants to talk about his feelings (World, don’t crush my dreams yet).  I also realize that calling someone an asshole (even when he’s being one) isn’t a good way to attract ‘em.  But you take what you dish out right?  At least that’s what Buddhism and a cycle of defensive, closed off relationships have taught me.

Circle of Life.

Fantasies.

So everyone likes to sit and day dream about attractive people.  It’s natural.  It’s a good way to get through class.  Or work.  Or church.  (yes, I went there).  But when you’re dating someone (at least in the beginning), all you do is OBSESS over one freaking person.  It’s exciting at first, and then he freaking takes over your mind and you can’t think of anything else.  Then I guess you get bored and start thinking about other guys again.  (I haven’t made it that far in a relationship...yet?)  For now, I’ll let my mind roam free and unattached.  

Summer Camp.

For all of you who have worked as a camp counselor or in some fashion at a camp like environment, I don’t even need to explain this one.  But for those of you who were doing “responsible” things in college, like summer school or internships, or jobs that actually paid money, I will.  Summer camp is AWESOME.  And even more awesome if you’re single.  Working at a summer camp is like being on a different planet.  It feels like the rest of the world does not exist.  This is a good thing.  UNLESS the rest of the world includes a significant other.  Then you have to explain to them how you are having the best summer of your life without them there.  You’re stuck in this weird time continuum with amazing new friends and only two months to relish in your current situation.  There’s always something to do, and cell phone service is never great.  It’s the one time in your life, not getting a call/text/voicemail is a legit excuse and not just a lie to get out of something.  

A major reason to be single at camp is summer romances, which are just crazy and fast and confusing and wonderful and terrible all in one.  But even if you’ve sworn off dating for the summer (The people I find who do that are always the ones with the MOST prospects. Maybe I’ll try that next summer to see if it works...) who wants to spend an entire summer not making new friends, and then breaking up with their other half when school starts again anyway?  Not fun.  You’ve just wasted a great two months of getting to know people and getting to know yourself.  And what do you have?  Not a boyfriend and not getting inside jokes at reunion.  There’s time for serious relationships in the summer once you’re too old and creepy to be hanging around the first year staffers anyway (you know who you are).

Note:  This still applies to all-girl/guy camps.  Those places don’t have good cell phone service either; and have tons of cool people to become friends with.  Spending your whole summer on the phone is never fun.

Not Going on Dates.

Okay, dating is fun, but let’s be real, for the most part the concept has been killed by the hook-up culture of our generation (and some of you were thinking I wasn’t smart).  And I guess there is the argument, that you can be single and casually dating, but it happens so rarely (I know it’s not just me, I have prettier and less awkward friends in the same predicament) it is more times than not a stressful experience.  If you’re not just drinking and making out at a bar/party/after late night quesadillas (which is not how I plan to start a relationship), there is the underlying assumption you are trying to be serious.  And that is stressful. Do you say what you want upfront? Do you risk scaring him away?  What if he doesn’t ask you out immediately for date two?  Who pays?  When do you have to decide what you want?  I know too many people who dtr (or define the relationship for you old folks) way too early.  (Like before they’ve even made it to dinner.)  This. is. ridiculous.  Can’t people just enjoy a nice meal without knowing what they want the next day?  Just because I ask you out, I’m not asking to marry you! Come. on.  I’m not oh-no-can’t-even-kiss-you-on-the-first-date type, but I would like to have a sober conversation first.  Alcohol and so called “equality”  destroyed something that should be fun.  (Women CAN’T separate emotions and sex as easily as men, if you think you can, SEE A COUNSELOR.  To the dudes, if you’re whoring around, good luck finding a truly fulfilling relationship with anyone, especially the girl you’re already in bed with.)

So not dating, definitely more boring, but definitely easier.

Taylor Swift.

I know Taylor writes a wide arrange of love songs: happy, sad, depressed, unrealistic but if we’re honest here, the best ones are not the positive ones.  I had a time when “Today was a Fairytale” was my jam, but as soon as he peaced out I cursed the song. Sometimes her songs seem like lies, especially now that she’s dated some of the most attractive people on the planet.  (No, John I’m not talking about you).  It seems like she’s just gloating, “Yeah sorry you’re single, I’m going to go snuggle with Jake now as you listen to Teardrops of my Guitar on repeat.”  But then you realize, she really did cry on her guitar. Taylor’s just as awkward as every other girl.  You can’t be that tall, have curly hair and have an easy time at thirteen.  So despite her fame, glam, and superstar boyfriends, she’s just one of us: a sad girl wearing shorts in the cold crying over Taylor Lautner.  (Although her crying is actually legitimate.) One can only fully connect to Taylor, and the rest of single kind in these moments of despair.  Now I have friends who love Taylor, and are lucky enough to not understand the reality of “Forever and Always.” But for the rest of us 99 percenters, #occupybrokenhearts is a reality, unified behind a 22 year old who whips her hair back and forth.  Frequently.  I’ve gotten through some rough and awkward times with T-Swizzle.  Thank you Radio Gods, for playing “You Belong with Me” when he is in the car.  I always knew you were hipsters with your love for irony.  There are people who get Taylor and those who don’t.  If you’re single, the category you fall into is predetermined.

Watching Sports.

There’s nothing like rooting for your team.  It only gets better if you are blessed to meet your soulmate in college, and you can share your love of the school and team.  If you have the unfortunate luck of falling for someone who is an avid fan of a school you care nothing about, now that’s a different story.  One of my good friends went to NC State.  She likes basketball as any good alum of an ACC school should.  But instead of her life revolving around the Wolfpack, it instead revolves around the Florida Gators.  Her boyfriend eats, sleeps, and breathes Florida basketball and football.  I don’t think one of her goals in life was to go to every minute of every home football game, but alas there is no turning back.  She’s a good sport (pun intended).  It takes a lot of dedication to pretend to love something to keep a relationship going.  And you have to admire his dedication to his team, especially because his Alma mater is a different school.  But there’s a difference between being born into a team, and having a team thrust upon you.  I have this irrational fear of dating a Duke fan.  Irrational, because basketball in North Carolina is irrational and the fact that this a concern is completely absurd (I can see my father shaking his head now).  What if I’m destined to a house divided?  At least it’s a house and not a solo studio apartment.

Deal Breakers.

When you are seriously considering your compatibility with someone, you have to overlook some things.  You decide what is most important; you have a list in your head of things you won’t waver on, and then things you’ll excuse when one result means losing a loved one.  For example, for some people it’s religion, for others it’s your opinion about Star Wars.  However, when you aren’t seriously considering anyone, the list can be as rigid and as long as you want.  There are some things I don’t really care about: most of the time.  But if you catch me at a particular time of the month and tell me you are a vanilla person, I will never want to date you. Ever.  Even if I run into you at a different time of the month, that memory will stick.  I’ll look at you and all I will be able to think is “chocolate hater” even if you save little bunnies and want to adopt orphans.  Don’t even try to buy me chocolate, because you hate it and you are the devil.  

Bow ties are another thing I decide how I feel about on a daily basis.  As a general rule, they are a deal breaker.  They make you look stupid and like a tool.  But 75% of the time I’m only saying this to maintain my so called “hippie” reputation.  I can’t admit I actually like bow ties on a select few guys whose liberalness outweighs their frattiness.  Now, being a gay hater (which has a high positive correlation with bow tie wearing and hence my overall skepticism), is always a deal breaker (I can not emphasize always enough).  I accept that this makes me a deal breaker for homophobes, but at least the feeling’s mutual.  The only challenge to allowing your dealbreakers to change with the winds and be untterly ridiculous, is you may end up always being single with a long list of unrealistic standards and expectations.  I highly doubt there is a guy out there who likes chocolate, equality, running, unc, mountains, harry potter, the avett brothers, religious humor, kids, psychology, presbyterians and jon stewart as much as I do.  

But for now it’s all or none. Depending on my mood (and if I’ve watched the notebook recently).

Listening to Music.

I like Justin Bieber.  I also like better things, but sometimes I listen terrible pop and things I would never play if I was trying to impress someone.  The DJ test has always been a stressful one for me.  No, please YOU pick the music so I can see how pretentious you are before I pick a song from the top 40.  Or the 90s.  Or some weird hipster shit you’ve never heard of.  Being single, the only person I have to satisfy is myself.  No shame, no game.  But tons of fun listening to the radio.

Gay Best Friends.

I just want to clarify up front, I am never breaking up with my gay bff/soulmate/braintwin, Ryan, even after we both find our husbands.  (These hypothetical gorgeous fraternal twins, one gay one straight, are currently living in Portland drinking coffee and attempting to save the world.)  But once you are not single, your chances of finding a fabulous gay friend decrease greatly.  What gay guy wants to be friends with a girl who wants to spend her nights cuddling on the couch instead of the dance floor?  Plus how do you tell your significant other you’d rather spend time with another male even if he is gay?  Being married makes you less fabulous and off the market: to guys of any sexual orientation.  (No worries Sara, your presence will still be required at all dance parties, especially now that Reid knows how to get down.)  

I’m just saying, if you are currently single, look for a gay bff first because once you have found a bf, it will be a challenge.  Plus, a gay bff can help you with the dating process. They have good taste in clothes and can tell you all those awkward things about male anatomy you don’t really want to know and definitely don’t want to ask a potential suitor.  If your gbff thinks your superstar boyfriend is a dud, then let’s be honest, he probably is.  And if you missed your moment because you went to a conservative christian college and don’t have a gbff to give you their vital insight and wisdom, I guess ignorance is bliss.  But just never go to San Francisco, Asheville, or anywhere cool because you will be judged.

Dancing.

I have a problem.  It’s called back leading.  Multiple of my male friends can vouch for this.  In my defense, if guys were a little more assertive I wouldn’t have to do anything. But I’m a control freak, I love to dance, and bitch you better freaking twirl me.  If you can’t, any hottness you have just went down at least two levels.  So then why, you may ask, is dancing better when you’re single?  Because if for some reason your fate is destined to be with someone who can’t dance, for now you don’t have to worry about it. You can play “tired” when that awkward guy who steps on your toes asks you to the floor.  Or you can just use the whole back-leading technique as a way to flirt and assert yourself.  (It doesn’t really work, when you tell a guy to step up his man-hood, I find it rarely works.  Then again what guy wants to force a girl to give him control?)  The hand holding and stumbling can provide the opportunity to get over the touch barrier as well as time for small talk.  And there are a few guys (may I emphasize few) whose cuteness and charm can overcome blundering on the dance floor.  Like many things, dancing just takes practice.  And I’m willing to release the reigns for someone who will put in the work.

Note:  This does not apply to booty dancing.  For all you old folks out there, despite what evolution and the survival of the species should suggest, there are some dudes who CAN NOT do the bump and grind.  On second thought, I guess sexual selection does suggest this...  

Watching Television.

So if we’re honest, everyone has embarrassing shows they like to watch.  For me it’s the Disney Channel (seeing a trend here?  I swear I’m not 13).  And when I want to watch it, I don’t really want to hear anybody bitching or making fun of me, I want to watch Wizards in peace.  This is where being single is awesome.  I don’t have to compromise or pretend that it’s “ok” if we watch ESPN instead or some other STUPID show with lots of guns I don’t really care about.  The same goes for movies.  If I want to watch High School Musical, I don’t want to hear someone whine.  Or pretend that I’m not hurt that someone just winced in pain at one of my faves.  I mean, I totally get why no guy wants to watch Zac Efron dance and sing around the screen (unless he likes guys too), but it still feels like a personal attack when someone scoffs at something I love.  Think about how many guys have been tricked into watching the Notebook.  And no, they don’t like it, so just go ahead and admit to yourself that they are doing it for you.  Next time, plan a girls’ night so at least you can talk about how hot Ryan Gosling is without making your boyfriend feel like shit.

Sleeping Alone.

To some of you, that may sound like a negative.  Obviously you don’t have a full sized bed or jersey knit sheets.  Sure it’s fun to cuddle, but it’s even more fun to sleep diagonally.  Or in the middle of the bed.  Or not have to be awoken by a snorer.  I’m a light sleeper so it’s even better not to have to touch any one's hot (in temperature) body or get kicked awake by a flailer.  I’m sure I’ll be thrilled to sleep with my non-snoring, perfect balance of cuddling and space, absolutely still significant other, but for now I’ll take up the entire bed until my time runs out.

Until I say I do.

There are many advantages to be young and single in this day and age.  Now, I can already hear the critics: You’re just jealous of your friends, and bitter you’re alone.  Jealous yes, bitter some days (mostly just when I watch the notebook.  Someone needs to build me a house AND look like Ryan Gosling).  I’ll admit that upfront.  I’m not one of those in denial girls, pretending being independent and always paying for my own meals is the best thing ever. BUT if I just moped all the time I would gain 100 pounds eating too much cookie-dough ice cream and crying while I watched 500 Days of Summer, grumbling “Summer’s a Bitch” every day of my life.  Does that sound fun? Not at all.  And since I’m a glass half full (or bed half full) type of person, I’d rather focus on the positives until Zac Efron proposes.