Ways to stay single forever, until death do you part.

I have a lot of experience being single.  Probably more than the average twenty-something female.  Since there people out there that I am sure are trying to figure out to sustain their single status, here are my top tips.

1. Only talk to people via text messages.  It's the best form of communication and never gets confusing.

2. Only pursue emotionally unavailable people.  You never have to worry about those relationships making it.

3. Talk about kids on all first dates.  Include names and numbers.

4. Keep a couple of ex's around.  It's not weird at all.

5. Never compromise.  This ensures you will never develop a healthy relationship with anyone.

6. Spill your soul immediately.  That will keep them running the other direction.

7. Send mixed signals on the reg, just to keep people guessing.

8. Be either too approachable or not approachable at all.

9. Set up camp in the friend zone.  I think that's where I've built my first home.

10. Write a blog about the perks of being single.

Take my advice and you'll always have enough space to cuddle with your pillow in that double bed!

Everything I’ve learned about love, I've learned from Nicholas Sparks.

Due to my limited dating experience, I have to turn to trusted sources such as friends and romantic comedies to get a sense of what love is like.  Now that I’m no longer a preteen, I take Disney channel princess’s with a grain of salt and have had to turn to more reliable stories.  Nicholas Sparks is as close to reality as you can get.  Everything I've learned about love and life, I've learned from him.  Here are just the top ten.

1. First kisses always happen in the rain.  Or a shower, if weather isn't permitting.
2. Everyone has a secret musical talent.
3. Emotionally tortured guys make the BEST boyfriends.
4. If you tell someone not to fall in love with you, they’ll fall in love with you.
5. It is only possible to find romance near a body of water.
6. Letters are a great way to communicate, unless your mother is involved.
7. There’s no point in looking for love during adulthood, because it won’t live up to when you were in high school.
8. It’s not a love story unless someone dies.
9. Lying down in the road is not a safety hazard, it’s precious.
10. It’s totally reasonable to expect a guy to walk hundreds of miles, build a house, or transfer colleges just to win my affection.

For the record:  I haven’t actually read any Nicholas Sparks, however, I have seen the movies. I’m not really into having delusions and unrealistic expectations in relationships, but I can’t say no to Ryan.  Hey boy, I see you in a love story that would never actually happen.  Ever.  I’ll fall in love with you even if you don’t build me a house.  Some call it low standards, I call it reality.

Closure.

I’m really great at break up conversations.  Like, a pro.  The “he’s just not into you” situation, been there, mastered that.  Whether I’m the dumper or the dumpee, I know how to speak civilly about feelings without anyone cursing or saying I hate you.  It’s almost unreal.  The only time I’ve cried during such convos is because I felt bad about breaking up with someone, not because I got dumped (emphasis on during, I’m not going to pretend like being rejected is easy).  It’s almost weird how caring these conversations are for two people who aren’t working out.  Maybe it’s because this is all I know.  If my life were a movie it would be a combination of When Harry friend-zoned Sally, 500 days of Hannah, and Nick and Nora’s Finite playlist.  My life is a rom com where people live happily after ever, respecting and appreciating the other party and the time they had together.  Really?  

That just means, the “I actually am interested in you” situations are the ones in which I’m socially inept.  Things working out?  I don’t know how to do that.  Give me a hottie that just wants to be my friend, I know how to overcome that rejection.  Someone that I’m not interested in?  I can respectfully decline.  Something that might actually work?  I may be really good at closing the door and locking it behind me, but jumping out of the window is a little more frightening.  What will happen if I fall?  Will closure still be there?  

Although Closure is a great thing to have, it is also comfortable.  And even if I fall, I’ll always have my friends to help me get back up.  That’s what ice cream, HIMYM, and Taylor Swift are for.  Doors may be closed but the window’s open, and someone sweatered just walked by.

I’ve got some jumping to do.    

If Ted Mosby is really talking to cats.

In lieu of television shows starting again, I’ve been having some pretty serious discussions with my friends about what is to come this fall.  When will Jess and Nick get together?  Who will win the voice this year?  And most importantly, will Ted ever meet the mother?  I have some cynical (they prefer “realistic”) friends who think it’s all a hoax, dream, or hallucination and Ted will end up alone. Freud would say something in their childhood caused this unjustified hatred of happiness and love. Personally, I think it’s from watching 500 Days of Summer and living in a barren wasteland of no potential romance.  But I digress.

I still have hope that Ted will meet the mother, and my faith in love will continue to exist.  If the writers really are cruel, insensitive people and have his children morph into cats in the series finale, this is what I will do:

1. Yell obscenities.
2. Refuse to believe the show is actually over.
3. Write a letter to CBS.
4. Cry.
5. Watch 500 Days of Summer.
6. Make an online dating account.
7. Never watch TV again.
8. Lose all faith in love.
9. Read 50 Shades of Grey. (Just kidding.)
10. Watch the Notebook.
11. Talk about the finale for the next 6 months.
12. Diagnose Ted with a mental disorder.
13. Blame it on the fact that Ted is too needy.
14. Blame it on Robin.
15. Blame it on the writer’s childhood/ex/parents.
16. Watch the entire series to see what went wrong.
17. Blame it on Lilly.
18. Suit up.
19. Realize that I’m just projecting my feelings onto Ted, and that there’s still hope in the real world. (fingers crossed.)
20. Transfer all my unhealthy emotional investment in television to New Girl.

If there’s hope for someone as awkward as Jess, there’s hope for me.

One week soulmates: Christian teenager edition.

  As every good Christian teenager knows, the best time to find love is in the summer.   Specifically, this love is found on a mission trip or at summer camp.  In working with teenagers this past summer I got to witness these one week romances.  It brought me back to my younger days, where I would be totally convinced that someone and I were destined to be after 5 days of hanging out in a contrived setting.  One summer I had no less than three summer soulmates.  I knew we would be connected forever  because our experience was SO real.  But of course, nothing ever made it past august once we were back in school and he was more worried about being cool.

        But as a teenager is it great being single in the summer and getting to know a different side of who someone is.  I do believe that my summer soulmates really were good guys that wanted to talk about faith even though when we left they were more concerned about partying a dating a more socially acceptable person rather than the hanging out with the Preacher’s kid that made straight A’s.  My friends were also disappointed by many a one week romances who were so cute playing with impoverished children but folded to being “cool” during the other seasons of the year.

        Young people, do not let this discourage you.  Cherish these short lived flames, but take them for what they are.  I really do believe you see the best of someone away from all the pressures of peers and parents.  Enjoy your single status and get to know people and give them the benefit of the doubt.  But if you’re not single, consider yourself warned: leaving that loyal boyfriend of two years probably isn’t worth a crush that is 75% mountains, subtropical heat, or Jesus music.

        God knows what you did last summer. And chances are, your youth leaders do too. ;)

An Open Letter to Taylor Swift.

Dear Taylor,

I just want to personally thank you for your new jam, which is a gem at that.  Although I do not have anyone specific to sing your song to right now, it does help me get in touch with my scorned side and teenage tendencies.  Props to you for sticking it to that man, he sounds like a tool.  I’m sure your music collection is way better than his.  Tell him I said Vampire Weekend is too mainstream now, get a new indie band.  I recommend the Dodos.  They’re totes legit. 

And girl, I don’t have time for exhausting relationships either.  I’ve got too many friends and awesome things to do instead.  And guy friends who are all about blasting your hits in the car. I can totally hook you up when you get tired of talking politics at the dinner table.

xoxo,
HKizzle

P.S. JB said never say never, but sometimes it’s necessary.  I’ve got your back on that one.

500 Days of Summer.

Everyone has their favorite love story.  When they’re feeling down, and want hope that love exists, or at least attractive people are still out there, they reach for the favorite film with an attractive cast. For many females in my age cohort, this movie would be the Notebook.  Not this girl.  When I’m looking for a love story pick-me-up it’s not the Notebook, Sweet Home Alabama, or How to lose a Guy in 10 days I reach for.  My favorite romance is 500 Days of Summer.

“What?” you may be thinking, “That movie is SAD.”  It’s not sad, it’s REAL.  And as someone who has been both Summer and Tom, it’s hopeful.  What’s worse, breaking someone else’s heart or having yours broken?  Honestly, I don’t know.  People, that’s life.  Sometimes things just don’t work out.  Yeah, Summer sucks.  But in defense of her, she didn’t know.  Sometimes you just aren’t feeling it.  You don’t want to hurt someone, but it happens.  And other times, your dreams are dashed and you think they are crazy for missing something that seems so clear to you.  Both are hard, no matter which side you’re on.  But what does this wise indie film teach us?  Never give up.

Tom is alone and Summer is married. Yeah, that’s terrible.  He could quit at life (and does for a few days) and never be happy again.  But he doesn’t let one girl break him.  There’s always another season in life.  If Tom and Ted Mosby were real, I think they would be friends.  There’s always more to your love story, if you keep writing it.  And sometimes the people that teach us the most about relationships are the ones that don’t work out.  I’m sorry, I really didn’t want to hurt you. Now I would do so much better.

So anytime I need a reminder that the world will keep turning no matter how badly I’ve hurt someone or how hurt I think I am, to Zooey and JLG I will turn.  I love summer, but I love even more when seasons change.