Mr. Darcy: Fiction.

Jane, I’m sorry but I’m not buying this whole “Pride and Prejudice” thing of yours.  I know it’s a classic, or whatever, but come on.  That would never actually happen.   Let’s be real for a second.  Fighting cannot lead to happiness.  Have you seen the divorce rate? Ms. Austen is the role model for people like Nicholas Sparks on how to feed us unrealistic expectations about relationships.

Every guy I’ve legitimately dated (all two of them), I’ve liked from the beginning.  Who wants to fight all day?  If I don’t like you in the beginning, I’m not going to date you.  If you’re attractive, but we are polar opposites, I still don’t want to date you.  We can be friends, but that’s it. There may be “more” to you; go share that more with someone else.  I’ll pass.     

I want to know, Jane, what happened to Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennett ten years down the road.  I’m guessing after the honeymoon, Elizabeth realized Mr. Darcy was just as pretentious as she thought he was in the beginning.  Once they were married, it was even worse than she could have imagined.  Now, she couldn’t get away.  And Mr. Darcy realized just how stubborn Elizabeth was, and just resolved to grunting all the time so he wouldn’t have to talk to her.  But nobody tells you about that part of “passion.”     

So next time you think about dating someone you argue with all the time because they are sooooo hottttt, think twice.

Just like Noah, Peeta and Rhett Butler, Mr. Darcy is just another work of fiction.

A Single Moment: Let Them Eat Cake.

For me, 2012 is not the end of the world, it is the year of weddings.  People keep telling me it’s just a phase of life, or something like that.  I recently went to a wedding with my post-college friends.  When we go places, we roll deep.  This event was no different.  The crew at this shindig consisted of two married couples, two eligible bachelors, and myself, the single lady.  Needless to say, we pretty much were the party.

Weddings are always an emotional roller coaster for me.  First there’s the question, “Where’s my prince charming?”  Then there’s the thought “Forever is a really. long. time.”  Then finally, “Whatever.  I just want to dance.”  And dance we did.  But of course, in typical DJ fashion, there were slow songs.  There was even a designated song for all married couples.  What am I supposed to do during that?  Luckily, the cake had just been cut.  So while everyone else was dancing with their loved ones, the bachelors and I ate wedding cake.  We didn’t wait for the couples.  Hashtag, sorrynotsorry.  I’m sure they had a great time dancing, but that didn’t keep one husband from bolting to the cake as soon as the song was over.  Glad I didn’t have to postpone my sugar intake.  Thank goodness I still have to figure out that whole finding a soulmate thing.     

So dear engaged friends, if you want to do a coupley or married song, do it.  Just cut the cake first. 

Hashtag, weddingwisdom.

Guy Best Friends.

I have a habit.  It’s not bad or good, it just is.  Ever since the 7th grade, I’ve had a guy best friend.  Now, just to clarify, it hasn’t been the same one since then.  Not like we break up or anything, but there are multiple guys who have played the role of “best friend” in the different contexts of my life over the years.  I will admit, sometimes “best friend” is just code for “I have a huge crush on you.”  But more often than not, these are purely platonic relationships.  You know you are just friends when Johnny’s bros thinks he’s trying to holler and his response is “Ew. She’s like my sister.”    

Typical.

Despite my limited dating experience, I feel like I know how dudes work thanks to my bros.  They’ve taught me a lot over the years about guys wants, needs, and monthly cycles (It’s real, look it up).  My extensive knowledge of video games and various music genres will serve me well when my best friend and significant other are one in the same. But until I’m attached, I’m going to enjoy bro-ing out with the fellas.  Or until he leaves me in the dust and gets a girlfriend.

the ultimate bro.
(I do not own this image.)

Chemistry.

My high school chemistry teacher used to say “Chem Is Try.”  I know he was saying this in reference to trying harder in class but I think it applies to romantic chemistry as well. If you don’t try, nothing will ever happen.  If you are single and bothered by it, take a second to reflect on yourself.  Are you doing anything to change it?  Your single status is probably not due to a lack of chemistry, just a lack of try.

One of my favorite How I Met Your Mother quotes comes from the character Robin on this very subject. To paraphrase,

            For a relationship to work you only need two things: Chemistry and Timing.  
                                                      And timing’s a bitch.  

Well Robin, I’d have to argue Chemistry’s a bitch too.  Sometimes it’s not there and things just fizzle out despite what I do to fix it.  Sometimes there is more than enough but I don’t know what to do with it. This situation results in one of the following.

1. I quit and flunk potions class.
2. I come on too strong and the lab blows up.

That being said, I don’t think there is such as thing as too much chemistry.  Chemistry is just not enough to sustain a relationship.  We need a little anatomy and psychology too. Mostly, there are just a lot of inexperienced chemists out there.  And the only remedy is try.

Besides, who doesn’t love working with significant figures?

Coffee Shop Crushes and other Hypothetical Relationships

I have a favorite coffee shop.  It’s conveniently close to home and work, has great coffee and a plethora of cute hipster guys.  Anytime I’m in a slump, all I need is to run down the street, spend one dollar on caffeine, and see a skinny guy in plaid to remind me that life is good again.  It doesn’t matter that I’ve never actually talked to any of these dudes, because one day I will. (Maybe.)

For those of who you have been with the same person for like forever, remember what it was like to meet someone new?  To find someone attractive and wonder what they are like?  To make awkward eye contact and wait to see if they approach you?  Yeah, I’m sure you miss the mystery, excitement and stress of it all.  Because once you know how some one really is, let’s be real, more often than not it’s disappointing. I like to keep all attractive people at a distance, so they never tarnish their gorgeous looks with an ugly personality.

My sister and I often talk about all the beautiful people we don’t actually know.  We chat about our hypothetical husbands.  We met them at UNC and when we grow up, we are going to have Carolina blue weddings, join the alumni association and frolic on the quad forever.  We will all totes be bffs.

The best thing about hypothetical relationships is that they aren’t real.  They don’t force you out of the house, out of your comfort zone and to take any risks whatsoever.  Why would I risk something going wrong, on the chance that something goes right?  I’m just fine eating my feelings in pints of ice cream.  Besides Zac and I are doing just great.  Hypothetically, of course.  

Disclaimer: I have some friends who are living proof it’s worth taking the risk, even when things don’t work out the first time around.  I know some brave people.  Hopefully I grow up to be just like them. :)

Not Planning a Wedding.

This year, I am going to six weddings. (and counting!)  Yes, read that again.  I am single and am going to see six couples say “until death do us part.”  YIKES.  But I’m excited. Firstly, because I am happy my friends have found someone they will put up with forever and you know, are in love.  Secondly, because they aren’t mine.  Not because I never want to get married, but because I never want to plan a wedding.

Seeing the stress of my friends as they decide what table decorations to use at the reception, I have decided I don’t want one.  Hell, I’d be happy getting married in a barn if that meant I could just have my bridesmaids go barefoot and not have to worry about what shoes they have to buy.  

Okay that was like 50% a joke.  A barn would be nice only if it included twinkly lights in mason jars.  But for real though, spending the rest of my life with a wonderful someone sounds way more appealing than planning a reception.  So to all you betrothed, breathe.  You’re getting married.  At the end of the day, that’s what matters, not what kind of flowers you had or if your bridesmaid tripped down the aisle.  (Sorry in advance, Sara.)  

As a single lady, I may be a little envious that you found your forever and ever.  But having to pick out place settings, I am not.  My Grandmother’s old dishes will do just fine for another fifty years, right?

Texting.

Texting is awesome.  It’s really the best way to communicate with someone.  If I really wanted to know how someone felt, or to see their facial expressions, I would talk to them in person.  Or at least on the phone.  But that would be too much work.  It’s way easier to initiate conversations (or reject them) when all you’re looking at is a phone screen.
 
Texting is also just another way to feed my desire to over analyze every detail of my life. I know what you’re saying, but what do you really mean?  Without any inflection in voice, I can just make up the tone I want you to have.  My friend and I had a late night conversation about the importance of punctuation in messages.  “Sure” means something totally different than “Sure!”  Fellas, punctuation matters.  With that exclamation point, I can really feel your enthusiasm about hanging out.  You may then choose not to respond to my 50 other texts, but I know this time, you’re excited about my presence in your life.

So until I find a relationship I don’t want to destroy through miscommunication, to the texting I will turn.  It takes more guts to actually call a guy, which has to be why he’s not calling me either..  Why grow up when we can hide behind middle school forms of communicating?  

:P

Wearing What You Want.

I used to date a guy who hated chacos.  This posed a terrible problem because I love my pair.  He wasn’t horrible about it, but definitely made one too many comments about how stupid they looked and how annoyed he was that every one was wearing them. When we broke up, I went out and bought another pair.  It was a liberating feeling, knowing that I wouldn’t have to hear someone complain about my footwear.  

So wear what you want.  Clothes shouldn’t be a deal breaker in a relationship, but let’s be real, sometimes they are.  The first thing we notice is how someone looks which includes how they dress.  I make a lot of first judgements based on attire.  Unfortunately, a lot of the time I’m wrong.  (Read that again, I don’t admit being wrong.  Like ever.) And it’s nice to be with someone who likes the way you dress, even if their attire is totally different.  While you’re single, wear WHATEVER you want, so you find someone who appreciates your sense of style and expression of self.  And when you’re dating someone, don’t judge a book entirely by it’s cover.  For example, I will no longer judge a boy by the bow tie.  Which remember, I not-so-secretly-anymore love.

Scouts Honor.

Traveling.

For starters, I’m just going to clarify.  In this situation, I think traveling is better when single versus dating someone, but not necessarily when the other option is married. When you’re married (if it’s a good marriage) you don’t worry about what happens when you’re away; you enjoy your break but also look forward to returning home and sharing your adventures with your best friend.  Of course, it’s nice to have your other half traveling with you, but if that isn’t an option it doesn’t mean your travel experience is doomed.  My parents have both traveled during their marriage.  And although my mother probably would have enjoyed having my father there when she climbed the Great Wall of China (yeah, be jealous), this experience wouldn’t have been better if she was single. Because if she had been single, I would have never been born and THAT would be a tragedy.

When you travel while dating someone, a new relationship or semi-serious, this is a different situation.  There are two ways this could go: spending way too much time on skype, or spending too much time wishing you were back home (or both).  If talking to them is really that important, why did you leave in the first place?  Buy a plane ticket for someone else who will enjoy seeing the world.  Your significant other will still be there when you get back.  And if not, that relationship wasn’t going to work out anyway.  I appreciate a good homebody, and being a homebody too, but one of my pet peeves is someone with amazing opportunities that just bitches about their “awesome” boyfriend back home.  If he was so awesome, he’d be with you, or at least be able to give you a little space when necessary.  He would be excited about your return, but not overbearing while you’re gone.  (I am in Switzerland, so no, I am not going to call you right now.)  If you’d prefer looking at a picture of Big Ben, rather than actually experiencing its glow under a London sky, so be it.  But instead of studying abroad and whining, give your plane ticket to someone else.  Or spend your money feeding starving kids in China.   

Disclaimer:  I have two wonderful friends who just traveled for a few weeks.  And their wonderful boyfriends were still in the states.  And although I’m sure they missed said wonderful boyfriends, it did not keep them for soaking up every moment.  So if you are going to travel whilst dating, be like them.

Over. Analyzing. EVERYTHING.

I over analyze like it’s my job.  When I grow up, I hope it is my job.  My over analyzing is not limited to critiquing others, I am constantly over thinking my own life.  The perk of being single, is the over analyzing never ceases.  It’s like a game.  I have no clue what’s ever going on, and thinking of all the possibilities is how I pass the time.

If guys were more straight forward with how they felt, it would take all the fun out of it.  I wouldn’t have anything to second guess, or wonder about.  But alas, I have many questions unanswered.  

Like when you tell me you won’t hang out with our mutual friend one on one because you know she likes you, but hang out with just me all the time.  And let’s be real, you know I like you too.

Or when you text me after 10:00 p.m., I know you’re sober and you say you miss me.  It’s cool, we’re “just friends.”  That’s what I think too.  Most of the time.

Or when you act really sad “:(“  that I’m not going to a party, although I know there are probs 100 other girls there that would hook up with you.  Literally.

Or when you make a point to talk to my sister, ABOUT ME, instead of just calling.  You got my digits.  Use them.

Or when you tell me I’m pretty and interesting, but you don’t want a relationship because you’re broken.  Just kidding, I know what you wanted.  But even at the time, I tried to read into that too.

If guys just told me exactly what they were feeling, it would just be too easy.  And we wouldn’t want that.  If I knew what was going on, I would have to pick up a new hobby with all my extra energy and time.

Disclaimer:  I admit, I don’t always say or even know, what I want either.  I’m guilty of texting a guy “I miss hanging out” with purely platonic intentions.  But I’m also the girl who will ask a guy out.  And then avoid him if it goes poorly.  Or run away from someone she likes.  My feelings are always apparent to me, so I just assume they are apparent to every one else.  Guess I need to work on communication too.

DANG IT.