Fictional Characters.

You may be thinking by now, this girl is ridiculous.  What type of guys does she actually like?  Would anyone meet her seemingly unrealistic expectations?  Well until a real live one comes along, here are some fictional characters I would go for if they existed.

Note: Although some actors appear more than once, the parts they play are at least somewhat different.

1. Kevin, 27 Dresses: I vow to be cynical until death do us part.
2. Pete, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton: Fall for your friend, yes please.
3. Cameron, 10 things I hate about you: Nerd alert, love alert.
4. Ron Wealsey, The Harry Potter series: Always a fan of a comedian.
5.Eric Forman, That 70s Show: Gotta love the boy next door.
6. Tom, 500 Days of Summer: You had me at IKEA.
7. Peeta, The Hunger Games: I don’t know which I love more, cake or loyalty.
8. George, The Art of Getting By: Hip.ster. And poor at communicating his feelings, so typical.
9. Nate, The Devil Wears Prada: He loves her when she has integrity and normal clothes.
10. Troy Bolton, High School Musical: He can dance, he can sing, he’s got a great head of hair. ‘nuf said.

Some girls think bad boys have charm, but a good guy with awesome hair is just my type.

For the record: I feel like I should explain why I did NOT include the following.

1. Noah, The Notebook: Sure, the whole “My life is over without you” thing is attractive, but so is “I am still whole person even without you.”
2. Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother: Ted’s a good guy but his willingness to date women out of marriage or engagement for less than five minutes is just too much for me.
3. Any character played by Channing Tantum: Yes he is attractive, but I like shaggy hair and nerds. Crazy, I know.

Being Mysterious.

I am an enigma.  I’m really good at playing the game.  I have this really great mystique about me that keeps all the guys enamored and guessing what I’m going to do next. They’re constantly wondering what I think of them, and if they’ve passed the test.  No one ever really knows what I’m feeling, except for my besties of course.

FALSE.  I think it’s really obvious how I feel about someone.  But then I reflect upon my actions and realize I am the most confusing person ever.  Just because my emotions are apparent to me, doesn’t mean that they are to everyone else.  And just because I talk to a guy doesn’t mean he knows I’m interested.  Especially when I’m asking about his political views and religious beliefs, although I think this shows more genuine interest than giggling and twirling my hair a lot.

Unfortunately, any element of surprise in my actions is not due to any level of mystery, just my inability to communicate clearly.  As one of my good friends recently reminded me, running away expresses loathing and disdain for someone, not romantic interest.  Whoops.

So although being too forward can be intimidating for the other party and has proven to be disastrous in my previous experience, I maintain that those choices were better than the times I’ve bolted in the opposite direction.  Any air of mystery I seem to have retained is not a perk of being single, it’s a reason I’m still single.  In short, if I leave the room when you enter, there’s a 75% chance I think you're cute and actually want to talk to you.  Counter intuitive, I know.

And cut me some slack, at least I’m aware.  Admitting is the first step.
  

                                                      

Graduation.

Graduation from high school and college is a bittersweet experience.  Well, high school was more sweet, and college more bitter.  I was definitely ready to graduate high school and as equally not ready to graduate college.  Both are supposed to be exciting new steps into the world, but when I graduated college I was newly single and unemployed.  Despite how daunting this seemed at the time, there were some advantages.  

Every aspect of my life was an adventure.  I was going to a new place with new people. (Fine I was just going back to summer camp, but I did end up moving somewhere new half way into the summer).  I didn’t know anything that was going to happen.  New friends, new faces, new town, nothing was holding me back.  Everything was exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

No long distance.  It’s great to have a support system when you enter the “real world” but let’s be real, long distance relationships suck.  If yours doesn’t, chances are you don’t really care about the person you’re with.  I have a wonderful friend who has made her long distance relationship work, so it’s definitely possible.  But for those of you entering the next step of your life unattached, use this to your advantage.  It’s nice not to be limited to a geographic region or be states away from the one you love.  

So single students of the class of 2012, whether you’re graduating high school or college, enter the next step of your life unattached, and unfazed by anything.  Fly your single flag proudly, and I hope you find that someone special within a sixty mile radius of you!  If not, welcome to the club, make sure you’ve packed your best sass.  

To paraphrase the younger brother of my friend, “My life is too much of an unwritten book to be writing in pen.”  Teenage wisdom at its best.

Exceptions to the rule:  If you and your significant other are moving to the same place. This doesn’t necessarily include going to college together.  Some couples stay together and actually end up happily married ever after.  I know a wonderful couple who survived the transition of high school to college, and I am thrilled to be a bridesmaid in their wedding.  But be warned high school sweethearts, IT’S HARD.  So godspeed and god bless.  If it’s going to happen, you’ve got to be willing to work.  And let’s be real, who wants to work in college? At 18, working at a relationship was not in my emotional capacity; I only had time for academia and my friends and my relationship status showed the fruits of that lack-of-labor.

If you are moving with your significant other after college, congrats!  I wish you the best, and out of all the other couples out there, you’ve got the best shot.  Just be sympathetic with all us single twenty somethings, we may seem bitter, but we’re just jealous you beat that 60:40 ratio.  Why didn’t I go to a tech school?  #liberalartsproblems   

Room for Squares and Heavier Things.

I am huge John Mayer fan.  I am not ashamed to say I am in possession of most his music, with the exception of his new album.  And although I enjoy his recent work, I have a particular nostalgic love for his first two albums, Room for Squares and Heavier Things.  It’s probably because I listen to these on repeat as a high schooler.  So now they remind me of a simpler time, that in the moment I thought was very complicated.  I think anything that gets you through your angsty teenager years continues to be a comfort, much like an old friend, in adulthood.

Since high school, sometimes I forget about dear John, probably because of musicians like Taylor Swift.  When I go back and listen to the stuff he wrote when he was more of a youngin’, it’s not that surprising that the two of them got together.  It’s also not surprising it didn’t last long.  You need at least one not-so-jaded person in a relationship.

If you’re still doubting John Mayer’s early artistic ability due to how much you hated ”Your Body is a Wonderland,” these are my top 5 relationship related songs off of his first two albums.  Give them a listen, in this order:

1. My Stupid Mouth, Room for Squares
2. Home Life, Heavier Things
3. Split Screen Sadness, Heavier Things
4. Love Song for No One, Room for Squares
5. Wheel, Heavier Things

Comfortable, from his debut EP Inside Wants Out is also wonderfully depressing love song, when you’re in the mood.

Try to tell me you didn’t just experience almost every emotion known to humankind.  If you do, I know you’re lying, or the tin man.

*Message and free advertising not endorsed by John Mayer.

The Facebook Newsfeed.

Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, it is easier to keep up with our friends than it has ever been before.  I know everything every one of my friends is doing, as long as they are willing to put it online.  Unfortunately, this also means I know everything about everyone I have ever met or come into contact with which includes anyone I’ve ever had a crush on. This includes good things, like attractive profile pictures, and where they are currently residing.  But it also enlightens me of unwanted information, like engagements.  Mark, I do not thank you, I blame you for this unnecessary knowledge in my life.  Rude.

I recently learned of such an engagement.  He was one of those crushes that just never worked out.  I wasn’t into him in high school, he wasn’t into me in college.  As I’ve mentioned before, timing is not (ever) in my favor.  And now he is GETTING MARRIED. What?!  I’m happy for you, but I would have been just as happy without this information.

A former flame getting engaged raises a lot of questions.  The most important and obvious one being, what if things had worked out between us?  Would I be the one getting married right now?  Let’s be real, probably not.  Things didn’t work out then, chances are they wouldn’t work out now.  So if you’re a single somebody and see that someone you used to be enamored with has found their happily ever after, remember this.  If you were still trying to make things work with that person, it would most likely be arguing ever after, and not so much happy.  Things didn’t work out for a reason, and lucky for you, you’ve already figured out what they were before it got serious, and then seriously awkward.

For now you can just hold on to the belief in karma and that one day, when you change your relationship status to “engaged”, there will be a soft thud as someone puts their head on their keyboard in disappointment at your happily ever after.

What comes around, goes around.  Or at least I tell this to myself so I can sleep at night.      
For the record:  Personally, I think it’s way worse when I find out a former crush is “in a relationship” rather than “engaged.”  At least when they are getting married, they are permanently off the market.  There’s no awaiting the day when the single status reappears. (Because if you wish that on a married person, that’s just wrong.)  If you find yourself in such a situation, do not look at the new girl/boyfriend’s profile.  

I feel qualified to give that advice, because I’m actually quite good at practicing what I preach.  If said crush is someone you still communicate with and doesn’t bother to mention the new person they’re dating, they’re probably not that significant.  So finding out every detail about this person and using energy comparing yourself to them isn’t really worth it.  Because in 3 months, when the  relationship ends, you don’t want to be stuck with a lot of knowledge about someone that was just passing through.

Having a Pet.

Is there anything more satisfying than the little sigh your dog makes when he’s settled down for a nap? Or that freaky look your cat gets in her eye when you swing the string in front of her face? No, there’s nothing better. One of my favorite perks of being single is that I can have a pet allllll to myself.

Sometimes, when you begin a relationship, one of the participating parties brings a pooch or kitty with them. Enter conflict and trauma. For the animal. Now who are they supposed to be loyal to? The smelly man-thing that has always thrown the ball for them, or this new female-thing that makes cooing baby sounds while rubbing their tummy? What about excitement level? Who am I supposed to wag harder for? Do I concentrate on earning new love and affection, or settle with just the old standby? Cats really don’t have these issues because they disdain all human beings, but you get my point.

Sharing pets is also like parenting. Does she coddle and spoil the hamster? Bad news, brat babies on the horizon! Or does he get mad when the puppy won’t leave him alone during the game? Warning, dude: your kids will be worse.

In place of all this strife, a single person has a pet all their own. Maybe it’s the old dog you took with you when you moved out of your parents split-level, maybe it’s a kitten you thought you couldn’t say no to (until it shredded your couch), or maybe it’s just the pet you plan on getting when you can finally afford it. Whoever your beloved animal companion is, they’re all yours. You put that pug in a cowgirl outfit if you want to. Sing Celine Dion to your cat. Make your fish follow your finger around the outside of the tank. Whatever, they’re stuck with just you. And you can name them whatever you want. Colin Firth the cat? Yes. Beethoven the Basset hound? Sure, do whatever you want because right now they’re your most significant other, and no one else gets a say. 

-Katie Lank

For the Record:  Personally I am not really a pet person.  (yeah, crazy I know.)  But if I had a choice, I would get a cat that acts like a dog.  It's possible.  I have friend who has a cat like this.  There are two great things about such a creature.  1. You don't have to walk it, because it's a cat.  2.  But it still loves you and wants to cuddle because it acts like a dog.  If I can't find one of these rare animals, I'll just adopt a kid if I'm still single at 35.  I'm just more of a kid person and one parent is better than none.  Try to argue with that logic, please.

-HK