Alternate Ending: 500 Days of Summer

This movie is great.  It always causes a lot of internal turmoil for me when I watch it.  Team Tom or Team Summer?  If I'm honest, I can relate to both.  I've dated Tom and pined over Summer.  I was Summer "forgetting" to listen to that mix tape he made, I was Tom declaring that this is not how to treat your friends.  Tom, oh Tom, why did you stick around?  Everyone else saw it coming.  I know love is blind, but 1) you're in LA, 2)she's not that hot, and 3) you are.  I hear the critics: "It's hard.  If you were in that situation, you would have done the same thing."  Oh really?  No I haven't had 500 Days of Summer, but I did have 80 Days of When-it-was-convenient-for-him and last time I checked 500 > 80.

So once in a while, I stop the movie short and pretend this is what happened:

"I disagree and that's what I want.  I believe it does exist, it's love not Santa Clause.  I deserve to be with someone who cares about me as much as I care about them.  Sorry, I can't do this anymore." -Tom

"You're right, you do.  Bye Tom."

Summer goes to therapy to sort through her fear of commitment.

Tom quits the card gig, and becomes a top architect in LA.  He then moves to NYC to open up a firm with Ted Mosby who is also super awesome and not desperate (I told you, this is me pretending.)

End Scene with audience applause because Tom was BA and stood up for himself.

Alternate Ending: New Girl's Nick and Jess

I love New Girl.  It's like Taylor Swift told Zooey Deschanel about my life and that an awkward girl who likes glitter and running away from uncomfortable situations is perfect material for a TV show.  Which obviously, it is.  My love for this show continues to grow as Jess and Nick continue to live in increased sexual tension.  Everyone can relate to that.  But come on, let's be real.  If this was real life, they would not be passionately kissing and still living together.  Here's what really would have happened.

After discovering she was cheated on Jess moves in with Cece.  After she gets sicks of living with models and being around girls who wear size 00 and don't eat, Jess starts to look for a roommate.  Half-joking half-serious she says to Cece, "Look these guys are looking for a fourth. Maybe I'll just live with them!"  Cece gives Jess the don't-be-an-idiot face, which Jess replies to with a sigh and saying "You're right, stranger danger is real."  She then finds out that a co-worker at the school has a friend who just moved into town and is looking for a roomie and a new friend.  Jess moves in with her and they make cupcakes and watch 80s movies together.

Two weeks later when Jess is still watching Dirty Dancing on repeat, Cece decides to take her out.  They pick somewhere totally random and new so Jess has no fear of running into her ex or any of his friends.  As soon as they walk in Jess notices that the bartender is super attractive, with the perfect amount of facial air and moodiness.  Jess decides it's her job to cheer him up from whatever life problems he has and Cece decides it's her job to get Jess to sleep with him, so she encourages it.  Twenty minutes of banter later, Cece leaves.  Three hours later, Nick gets off work and takes Jess out for midnight breakfast.  Two months later, they're officially dating.  Three years later, they are married. 

Cece ends up dating the guys new roommate, a former professional basketball player in America that Winston played high school ball with but got injured and can't play anymore so he sold his mansion and moved into the bro house.

Who's that Girl?  Either way, the existence of Jess gives us all hope that we can be slightly annoying and still land a hottie.

Letter to Taylor Swift, Cougartown, USA.

My dearest Tay Tay,

Girl, thank you so much for sending me the new album.  I knew you were trouble, PREACH.  I guess you remembered me telling you about that one guy.....sorry I didn't listen to you.  I know as my bff4l you were just looking out for me, but he was SO cute.  Ugh.  Next time I'll listen.
 
Enough about me, how are you?  I saw you and Harry broke up, what did he do this time?  I said I wouldn't say I told you so, but I speaketh thou thusly.  I know you're tired of men in their thirties (think about what they were doing when you were eight) but what are you doing with teeny boppers?!  I can see you rolling your eyes right now.  I know I like younger guys two, but I keep it to two years younger, max three if they are the president of something or a prince or in a band.  We want our men to be able to buy us a drink, not asking us to sneak them a six pack.  And NO I am not jealous that you dated someone from 1D and I haen't, I'm not tryna get death threats world wide.  Maybe, I am still a little mad at you for never jumping on Zac when you had a chance.  Or the fact you never hooked me up!  I know you'll make it up to me later, just don't kiss them first. :P

Anyway girl, I'm worried about you.  You need a break from all of this crazy dating.  We need a girl's week.  And don't worry about Tina and Amy, you KNOW they were joking.  You know I love you, but you have to write about different things if you want people to stop talking about your love life.  They are just jealous of you, betch.  Or at least jealous that you dated Jake.  Why did that end again?  Those are sloppy seconds I'll gladly take.  (Just don't write about me please, I have a blog ;) )

Can't wait for your tour, I better be getting tix!  Love ya!

XOXO,

Your bestie.  

Why Are You Single?

Being a bachelorette I get asked on the reg why I don't have a boyfriend.  When I do volunteer work with teenagers I get it twice as much.  Being single in the south, I probably get this question one hundred times more than the average American (except Mormons).  My first response is always, "How long do you have?"  But because no one really has time for that, here the responses I cycle through.  Feel free to borrow, no copyright needed.

1. I don't want a relationship.  (No one buys it.  Only some days I do.)

2. I'm a control freak.

3. [insert gender depending on your orientation] are really dumb, for real.

4. I'm in college/graduate/life school.

5. I'm still wounded by my ex from highschool/college/summercamp/last week.

6. I'm too busy being awesome.

7. I'm in a primarily female profession, and unfortunately being a lesbian doesn't work for me.

8. I'm opinionated. And always usually right.

9. Friend. Zone. I've been put there, I've put people there. Touchdown.

10. I defy gender stereotypes and want my partner too as well.

11. I like having the freedom to pick up and move anywhere, anytime, even if I don't actually do it.

12. It's the 21st century, not the Victorian era.  What crime am I committing by being unattached?  Come on people!

13. Ain't nobody got energy for that!