Being in a Band.

When you are single, you have lots of free time.  (Or you don’t have any, and that’s what you tell people when you don’t want to date them.)  But typically, all of that time and energy one would spend on a relationship goes into something else.  For example, in the past year, I have begun writing (this), learned the banjo (sort of) and am now amateur photographer (stage 1).  One of my high school friends uses all of his free time due to his single status being in a band with his younger brother.

My friend is able to be so devoted to his music because he doesn’t have a girlfriend.  He can rehearse all the time, because hey, no one is going to tell him not too.  He can spend his nights slappin’ the bass, rather than texting, calling, or hanging out with some clingy girl.  Paul, George and Ringo didn’t like Yoko for a reason.  Sure, my friend’s single lifestyle influences the kind of music he writes.  But remember, Adele didn’t become famous from writing a happy album.  

For the record: My friend’s younger brother and bandmate does have a girlfriend.  But he’s a teenager and they have different expectations, right?  Unless he is a huge fan of Nicholas Sparks.

 Check out these studs at http://gulleytheband.com/

Going to the Gym.

Although it seems illogical, the gym is a great place to check people out.  Sure they are sweaty, but let’s be real, sometimes this only enhances attractiveness.  Plus, if someone is still appealing when they are gross, just imagine what they look like cleaned up.  (This phenomenon applies to summer camp as well.  I swear I get more attention in a t-shirt and running shorts than the other days of the year.  I should just quit trying to look like a decently dressed person.)  


Unfortunately the gyms I work out in do not have my target audience.  When I go to my gym at home, high school students are checking me out.  When I go to the gym at the university, I’m the one checking out the younger college guys.  A senior is acceptable right?  Age is just a number. And I can't help but notice Mr. Runner as he run a gazillion laps on the track.


Tomorrow I may be on a date, but today, I work out.

Your friend's older sibling.

Everyone has a friend who has a sibling who is attractive.  I have about at least five friends with a brother I have daydreamed about.  At least.  I don’t know why I haven’t dated any of them, I’m clearly the mature friend.  (It may be because I didn’t communicate any level of interest.  Whoops.  Or the fact that they are used to their little sisters' friends getting googly eyed over them.)  Mostly I think it’s because I’m such a good friend, and never want my female friends to feel abandoned by me for their beautiful brother.  But I hold on to the hope that someday one of these guys will realize that I’ve grown up; and my friends will realize that they would rather have me at family reunions than some psycho.

Until then I’ll just make sure I’m my friends' plus one at all family functions and show an unnatural interest in whatever sports game the older brother is watching. 

Grocery Shopping.

I hate grocery shopping.  I’m not really sure why because I love eating.  But I don’t really like cooking and don’t like making decisions.  I just want my food to magically appear in front of me.  (Perks of living at home.)  I really need my future significant other to be domestic.  I’m not opposed to cooking with him, I just need guidance.  I’m really good at chopping vegetables.  So when it comes to the fresh fruits and veggies department, I’ve got us covered.

I think part of the reason I hate grocery shopping is it is so hard to shop for one.  Food isn’t really packaged in servings for people eating alone.  But the plus of single shopping is I don’t have to plan any real meals.  If I want cereal, pepperonis, and green beans for any meal of the day, I can.  And I will.  No one is there to tell me what I’m eating is unhealthy or weird.  I plan to find someone who is as lax about food choices as I am.

Until then, I will continue to enjoy eating my mass quantities of cheese in peace.

Spring Time.

If you’ve gone through puberty, you know what spring fever is.  After months of staying inside and wearing sweats, spring is finally here bringing with it sundresses, sandals and swim suits.  Forget Christmas, as a single person it’s probably the most wonderful time of the year.  If you’ve been alone all winter long, the birds and the bees bring you new hope.  Some scientists argue that this is the mating season for animals coming out of hibernation.  Pheromones run wild to attract potential mates.  Regardless of how applicable this theory is to human mating, one afternoon at the pool and you know that flowers aren’t the only thing blossoming this time of year.

Spring fever takes over and we want to pair up.  People finally stop wearing one hundred layers and you can actually see a body that was hiding November to March.  If you are on a college campus this is all too familiar.  People starting dating after spring break. Logically, this makes no sense, especially in terms of long term relationships.  But hey, my hormones are calling and I just don’t want to fight your shaggy hair and sun kissed skin.  

Come June, spring fever leads to summer madness (which has no scientific significance, yet).  It’s the only time of the year that’s acceptable to have a fling at any age.  You can blame it on the sun, a magical vacation, the stars and the moon, your carefree state of mind.  Who wouldn’t want to mix and mingle when they don’t have to worry about homework, the nine to five, or bills?  Besides, summer relationships can turn into something real.  At least that’s what I learned from watching Grease.  Logically, this does actually make sense.  I’m a much more appealing person in the summer when I’m not stressed about responsibility and am wearing seersucker.  It’s the perfect time of the year to put my best chaco-tanned foot forward.    

Fourth of July fireworks, bring it on.

Timing.

I have impeccable timing.  I think everything through before I say it.  The delivery is always smooth; I communicate everything I think and feel really clearly.  That’s probably why my declarations of romantic interest are always received with open arms.

Yeah right.

I function on my own time.  Which is often sped up compared to the average population. Not that I jump into relationships (I over analyze way too much to do that).  I’m just not going to wait 100 years to go out for dinner.  

This is a 21st century woman who speaks her mind.  And typically, my need to say something outweighs my fear of rejection, which can be overwhelming for the other party involved.  At least I’m willing to put myself out there, right?  But I realize it takes two to tango.  So fellas, be patient with me.  I’m working on actually paying attention to your cues.  If I’m too forward, it’s just because you’re so charming.  Sometimes I just can’t help myself.

Mixed Tapes.

A wise friend of mine once said, “Music and time heal everything.”  I totally agree.  Some music, however, is better for the healing than others.  Most girls I know (and probably a lot of guys too) have a break up playlist. Instead of having a music full of depression or hatred, why not make a playlist that says “I’m a BA”?  Sure, a little wallowing is necessary sometimes, but let’s not focus on it.  

A “break up” playlist still gives the other person too much credit.  I’m awesome, no matter what my relationship status is.  So my playlist runs the full emotional spectrum. A little anger, a little nostalgia and a lot of looking to the future.  

Here the top twenty hits for the BA playlist, and lyrics for all of your social media sources to remind the world you’re doing just fine.

1. “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson
2. “Perfectly Lonely” by John Mayer
3. “The Story of Us” by Taylor Swift
4. “Merry Happy” by Kate Nash
5. “Dog Days are Over” by Florence and the Machine
6. “Best Deceptions” by Dashboard Confessional
7. “You Don’t Know Me” by Ben Folds
8. “Part of Me” by Katy Perry
9. “Extraordinary” by Liz Phair
10. “White Blank Page” by Mumford and Sons
11. “Rumor Has It/Somebody Like You” by Glee Cast
12. “Eenie Meenie” by Justin Bieber
13. “You Belong With Me” By Taylor Swift
14. “Take Care” by Drake
15. “Laundry Room” by The Avett Brothers
16. “Ridin’ Solo” by Jason Derulo
17. “Love Song For No One” by John Mayer
18. “Bubble Toes” by Jack Johnson
19. “Can’t Go Back Now” by the Weepies
20. “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson

Making Excuses.

There are lots of reasons I’m single.  And obviously, none of them have to do with negative qualities I may have, because I don’t have any. (Pride is a positive quality right?) If you’ve been single for any long period of time (say more than a week), you know what I’m talking about.  There have to be reasons people aren’t lining up at the door to ask me out.  Actually changing to make myself more relationship ready is hard work, but I’m a pro at making excuses for my single state.  Here are some of the reasons this chick is still unattached.

1. I don’t have time for a relationship.
2. There are no guys in this town.
3. I’m too intimidating.
4. I’m too picky.
5. I’m too smart.
6. My maturity is just at a higher level.
7. Guys are too afraid to ask me out.
8. I’m not into the hook up culture. (But really.)
9. Everyone I’m interested in still has to grow up.  (But seriously. I go for younger guys 99.9% of the time.  Which has failed 100% percent of the time, and it can’t be due to my poor timing.)
10. I like being single.

I read “He’s just not into you,” I just don’t buy that one man can speak on behalf of all of them.  Fellas, can I get an Amen?   

Disclaimer:  I’m actually fairly self aware.  I am well aware I’m stubborn, horrible with timing, and can be a little too upfront sometimes.  I’m working on it, but nobody’s perfect. And I don’t expect Mr. Right to be either.  Mr. Usually Right is the guy for me.

Mr. Darcy: Fact.

“Conflict in close relationships is not only inevitable, it’s essential. Intimacy connects people who are inevitably different - as the saying goes, if two people agree about everything, one of them is superfluous. Conflict is the mechanism by which we set boundaries around these differences, so that each party feels safe with the other.” - Martha Beck

As a whole-hearted Pride and Prejudice devotee (some may say fanatic), I must defend Darcy and Elizabeth. I contend that a relationship story such as theirs is entirely realistic and could happen to any one of us Single Ladies today.

Here’s the absolute crux: they don’t argue and dislike each other based on a solid disagreement or personality conflict; they verbally spar because they misunderstand each other from the very beginning (through their own faults - the pride and the prejudice are here) - and they GROW from realizing their errors (“Till this moment, I never knew myself.” p.202).

Without Lizzy, Darcy would have remained stodgy and insular, as the man himself says: “...[selfish and overbearing] I was, from eight to eight and twenty; and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth! What do I not owe you! You taught me a lesson, hard indeed at first, but most advantageous. By you, I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. You shewed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.” (p.349) Hmm...I like that part about being worthy of being pleased. And Elizabeth, for her part, would have continued to believe her first impressions of him and dismissed him as a prat (“I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine.” p.21). They become better people because they mess up with each other first.

Now, back to modernity here, you can (and I’d argue, only really truly) find someone intriguing and dynamic once you’ve discovered something entirely different from yourself. Don’t you want something to talk about? Something to learn? I think Lizzy and Darcy fit like puzzle pieces - their experience and personalities complement, not copy, each other, so the sum is greater than the two separate parts! Synergy, my friends.

And here’s my favorite part: Darcy loves her strictly against his own wishes in the beginning. And our dear Lizzy gets a big slice of humble pie when she understands how fully she’s misjudged him. Yeah, that’s not a great way to begin a relationship, but stick with me. Surely there’s some magic still in the unexpected, in those things we can’t control and predict, those things we can’t intellectually manipulate but that seize us and drag us to where (and with whom) we should be?

I hope I’m right. Otherwise, I’ve got a lot more years of solitary squealing at this scene http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqidX_5ZsLg to go. Mr. Darcy’s real, and he’s out there. Maybe you just have to look at who you’ve misjudged most, and wonder if perhaps you’ve got it all wrong...

-Katie Lank

Okay, I'm convinced.  I sure hope all my mess ups turn into something good (there's a lot of them).  Now I'm going to go eat my humble pie.

-HK