Boy(girl)friend Substitutes.

I've always had a lot of close guy friends.  I also have rarely been dating someone.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.  See, when you're single, you find lots of ways to fill the emotional voids that would be filled by a significant other.  Usually this comes in the form of besties.

And even in a purely platonic relationship, things get DRAMATIC.  Any guy who is close with a girl knows this.  We fight over our guy friends like we would boyfriends, even when we have no attraction to them whatsoever.  Whatever jealousy we would spend on a boyfriend, gets unleashed about a friend we would never actually date.  Back in the day of Myspace, I remember quite a few biting words about girls that made it to my bffl's top ten, replacing me.  Rude.  I've known him for a whole 5 minutes longer.  Girl, please.  This pattern followed me to college.  One year my bff got another redheaded friend. Um excuse me?  I was here first!  And you're a freshmen.  Gross.  Lucky for me, that relationship didn't work out.  And no, suspicious audience, I did not sabotage it.  She did that to herself.  Now she's fondly known as the-redhead-who-must-not-be-named.

And don't think for a second that guys don't do the same thing.  They care who their female friends like the most.  That's why one of my friends moped when I was clearly telling my other friends more secrets than him.  Or when two of my guy friends would always remind me that they knew they were my favorite.  Who is?  It's been 5 years, and I'll never tell.  I have take that one to the grave, or risk watching an ugly skinny white guy fight. 

People want someone to care about and someone to care about them, and sometimes even more so when they are unattached.  If we can't hold on to a friend, how will we be able to hold on to a romance?  So when we feel a relationship threatened we shoot nasty bitch stares or puff up our chests to claim our territory.  It's okay to make our friends choose, even though we would be pissed if they were to put us through the same agony.  And don't even get me started when one party actually find a romantic relationship.  That just ups the alpha in all of us.

I see you girl.  And I'll take you down for platonic friend (insert name here).  Unless I get a boyfriend, then I'll be too busy worrying about him to care anymore.

Things I don't have to care about.

Relationships are all about compromise.  Being single, on the other hand, is all about being selfish.  Just kidding, I still have to compromise to keep my friends around.  Or pick ones that always agree with me.  And I think the single ones would concur, sometimes it's nice to just do our own thing.  We can save our energy for what we want to do, and enjoy the fact that now we can just do it.  So just to ensure I have enough energy saved up for my future significant other, here are a few things I'm not going to worry until I have to.

Someone else's profession.  What I have quickly realized as an adult, is that some people's jobs bore me.  I totally recognize my interests probably bore other's too.  Everyone has friends that they envy, and want to hear about their work.  Everyone also has friends that they never ask about work because they would rather hear nails on a chalkboard than about this person's career.  I hope that I find my significant other's profession as exciting as he does, but even if I do, I'm sure there will be some days I will have to fake my enthusiasm.  But for now, I'm enjoying not having to fake anything.

Being a bandwagon sports fan.  If I'm honest, I really only care about one team in one sport.  If it's not college basketball, I'm not paying attention.  This attitude could be potentially helpful to a future significant other.  Sure, I'll cheer for your team.  And no, I'm not pretending I care, I do care.  I care because nothing is worse than a grumpy guy whose team has just lost.  So if I date someone who is obsessed with (insert sports team here) I will be 100% on board, and cheer for them at 110%.  But if you screw me over, I will cheer against (insert sports team here) until the day I die.  It's one of the few ways a scorned woman can learn to believe in justice and karma again.  For now, I'm saving up all my fan-ship energy for future suitors and March. Madness, I know.

Having nice dishes.  I'm not really into housewares.  I know some people are, but I could care less what I eat on, as long as I'm eating food.  And since I'm not trying to impress anyone, I don't have to have matching dishes, or real glasses, or hide my silly straws.  I do have suitable dishes, but I never know when a full set will actually be clean.  For now, Nana's lilac dishes do just fine.  Or a paper towel.  The less dishes I have to load, the better.

Television shows I don't like.  Everyone has their favorite shows.  And everyone has shows they do not like.  I'm not ignorant to the fact that people may not be as concerned about Ted's future wife as I am or find New Girl funny at all.  (If you don't find any character on that show amusing, suitors need not apply.)  You don't want to sit through Will and Grace reruns?  Cool, I don't want to sit through your blood and guts show or condone your weird obsession with reality TV.  Someday I'll through some show I don't like because I do like the man who watches it, and he'll have to sit through pretty much anything ever made with Zooey Deschanel and Jason Segel.  Unless he complains too much.  No one like to watch TV with a whiner.  Then again, no one likes to date one either.

What I will be in doing in a year. or 3. or 5.  "What are you doing with your life?"  I don't know. I don't have to have a 3 year plan, or 5, or 10.  I do what I wnat.  I can look for jobs across the country.  I can go to school again (3rd times the charm?)  I can live abroad, or just move to the woods.  I'll figure the bills and health insurance out.  For now I'll just worry about today.  As hard as this is for me as an extreme J on the Myers-Briggs, it's kind of a relief too.  I don't know what adventures life will bring.  And I have found that the best things in life are ones that I haven't planned.  I'm in a city, at a school, with wonderful friends I couldn't have seen coming.  Life's plan was better than mine.  And sure it'll be nice to someday share life's adventures with Someone special.  For now, I'll just enjoy sharing life with someoneS special.

Something Vintage, Something Plaid, Stereotyping Brides Makes Me Mad.

For The Record, I love weddings.  Despite the divorce statistics I'm still a huge fan of and believer in marriage, commitment, and love.  I totally support being happy and content with one person, and that it is appropriate to honor that decision in a ceremony on a special day with the world (or your 100 best friends).  I love the first look, watching a new family forming, friends reuniting, and when parents put their differences aside for their child's special day. People who don't think love exists, trust me it does, I witnessed it six times last summer.

On the other hand, The expectations our American society has about brides' and bridal behavior, is one of my top 5 pet peeves.  (I'm not sure if that's accurate, I just want to emphasize how infuriated it makes me.)  Call me "liberal," call me a "feminist," call me "alternative," I don't care.  My friend Carie Mac would call me (relatively) normal.  If I've learned anything about weddings, is that the wedding's all about what I want, right?  Maybe I'm just another bridezilla pretending to be a bridebum.  But we live in Amurica and you have to tell me it's perfect, even if you secretly think it's tacky as shit.  Potential suitors, listen up if you're looking for a care free, stick it to the man, 10-years-down-the-road-hopefully, bride to be.

1. I don't want an engagement ring.  But really.  I'm not saying that and really expecting a diamond.  If you have a family ring, yes.  I'll love something sentimental and meaningful.  If not, I'd rather go ring shopping with you for our wedding rings.  And if I'm wearing a ring prior to vows, it would be nice if you did to.  If you are putting a ring on it, so will I.  As far as diamonds go, I'd rather spend the money traveling around the world.  Plus those pictures will be more interesting for people to look at on facebook than pictures of my tiny nail-bitten hands.

2. I want you to help plan the wedding.  If I remember correctly, a marriage is about two people.    And I'm not the only one that has to live with potentially awful pictures and poor choices due to my bad taste for the rest of our lives.  Plus, if I plan it alone, it'll probably be in a barn and the groomsmen will be wearing flannel.  Or it'll  be on a mountain and I'll be wearing chacos.  So future husband, a word to the wise: let your voice be heard.

3. I will not be changing my name on facebook during the honeymoon.  Or maybe ever, I haven't decided yet.  Insert comment on our patriarchal society.

4. There will be no pictures of the hotel bed on facebook.  Or any statuses that end in #consummation.  Some things are meant to be kept between two people, and that's one of them.

5. There will be an epic dance party at the reception.  My friends and I have moves better than Jagger.  I don't care if we have a band, a DJ, or if my sassy gay friend makes a playlist.  Get ready to get low, low, low.

6. We are going to pre-marital counseling.  I have no illusions that you can read my mind without me telling you how I feel, or that I'll always know what you need, or that marriage will be easy.  Plus, I don't want any future clients to be able to call me a hypocrite.  Yikes.

7. "January Wedding" by the Avett Brothers will be played.  Even if the wedding is in July.

So if you're looking for a bride-to-be that doesn't care if you show up to your wedding in seersucker, a tux, or khakis, then I'll consider grooming-up.  After we boo-up for the next decade first.