Losing your single status.

Believe it or not, I am currently no longer single.  I've said goodbye to the perks of being single and said hello to perks of another person.  But I'm not going to list all of those and make everyone barf, because this isn't about that.  I'm also not going to go on all nostalgic like about my single days; I would rather not drive the new fella away so quickly.  Hopefully that won't happen, considering all of the lessons I've learned through the trials and tribulations of being a twenty-something.

The lesson that encompasses all of the rest: my parents were right.  They kept saying "You can't really be comfortable with someone else unless you are comfortable with yourself."  Truth.  Embracing my awkwardness, values, and idiosyncrasies and has been the best thing I could do for any relationship, including my relationship with myself.  So single sisters (and brothers) know yourself.  Love yourself.  And forget about the people that drag you down.  Then, regardless if romances last at least your self esteem will.
  

In the Beginning....

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Girls 1:1 In the beginning girls created worry and rumination.

1:2 On the second day we created denial, and pretending we don't care what guys think.

1: 3 On the third day we created the need to ask a bunch of questions.

1: 4 On the fourth day we created our friends so that we could ask someone else a bunch of questions about our relationship.

1: 5 On the fifth day, our girlfriends told us to STFU.  And CTFD.  (calm the expletive down)

1:6 On the sixth day we dropped a lot of subtle hints that we want to know how you feel, and then got mad at you because you couldn't read our mind.  7: This resulted in an argument that lasted way longer than it should have.  Meaning it happened at all.  8: Being direct could prevent many of these instances.

1:9 On the seventh day we rested.  And then woke up and asked you what our dreams meant.

This is only a slight exaggeration of my train of thought some days.  My need not to mess anything up and figure out life TODAY, sometimes over takes my brain.  Am I talking too much?  Am I talking too little? (considering 99% of the time I date introverts, it's never too little)  Will he judge my taste in music?  (If I start with Vampire Weekend, 75% yes.  If I admit my love of the new Ke$ha song, 100% guarantee)  Will he support my need to talk about things? (Required)  Can I save somethings for tomorrow?  (Working on it) How will he handle my obsessions with Harry Potter, Avett, UNC, and the mountains?  (it's a package deal)

The nice thing about the beginning is, it's only the beginning.  And just as there was time for Dinosaurs, Pangea, and the Ice Age, there is plenty of time in relationships too.  There will always be time for questions and finding answers.  And there is nothing like having someone to rest with (and putting the worrying to rest) today.
   

Fancymen: An Ode to Cece and Mindy Kaling.

For some time now, I've been thinking that I'm ready for a serious relationship.  If I found the "right" person, I would be willing to be vulnerable, compromise, communicate, etc.  Recently, as happens sometimes in this department, I was proven wrong.  Turns out, I'm a lot of talk and no action.  Except if the action is running away.

What had happened was, I read Mindy Kaling's book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (and other concerns).  She has a chapter on her own experiences with dating and how to tell the difference between the men and the boys.  In short, men have briefcases and schedules, planners and healthcare, furniture that isn't from a dorm and pay a mortgage, not rent.  Boys can fit all of their belongings in duffel bags, spend all their money on music festivals, stay up late on weeknights at diners, and are impulsive.  And for the longest time, Mindy said she was terrified of men.  They are committed, even when they were single.  Their lives are stable and consistent, and involve acting intentionally.  Whilst reading her description of men, I realized that despite my belief that I want a more serious relationship, so am I.

I still have the notion that being an adult is zero fun.  Briefcases and schedules sound so boring, even though I wouldn't get anything done with out my planner.  I don't know what to do with a man with a plan, pet, and no need to go find them-self on the AT.

Why? As Cece says back to Jess, "Maybe [he] intimidates you because you wouldn't have to take care of him because he would take care of you and that just terrifies you."

Accurate.  Who wants to be with someone who has it all together when they are still figuring out was "business casual" means? Answer: no one.

Then again, I think there is a middle ground that Mindy missed.  I know men who still maintain spontaneity, and I know boys with briefcases.  Whether you're male, female, 18, 23, or 35, single, cohabitating, or married, it's all about your mindset.  Are you still looking for opportunities to "find yourself" or have you accepted that no matter how old we get, life is about finding out new things? There isn't an end point where you stop growing and stop changing.  As much as I would like to think that things get easier as an adult, the more I know, the more I realize I don't know.  Men and women, stay in one place long enough to learn about themselves and build relationships that can support them in the process.  Boys and girls often think that they can do all of the exploring and maturation on their own.  So maybe I'm not ready to live in the same house for 20 years, but I no longer have the illusion that backpacking across Europe/California/the Appalachian mountains will answer all my questions about life.  Some questions can only be answered when we stay in one place long enough to get to know someone without the fear of party moving just because "this is the time to do it."  Maybe it's time to stop running.

Definition: Date (noun)

Merriam-Webster online has many definitions for the word date.  This however, is the one I wish to discuss at great length:

an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially : a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character

Since about age 14, I have been confused what a date was.  In middle school I still thought it meant when a boy picked you up at your house, met your parents, and then took you somewhere in public.  He usually paid.  As soon as I got to high school and people started "talking" and "dating" I began to question my preconceived notions.  Couples would say they were dating even though they never hung out one on one, and he never paid for dinner.  And I would hang out with guy friends one on one at great length and we were definitely not dating.  What was a date?  How do you know when it is a date?  Unfortunately as time has passed I still have absolutely no idea. Unless someone says, "This is a date" I can not be 100% sure of it.  Here are just a few examples why.

Scenario 1: Go to movie with good friend, you each pay for your own ticket, but you kiss during the movie.

Ruling: Not a Date. (He insists you are "just friends.")

Scenario 2: Go to lunch with guy, he pays.

Ruling: Not a Date. (He's super southern and chivalrous).

Scenario 3: Consisting spend lots of one-on-one time with guy talking about family, past relationships, feelings, how much you appreciate the other person, etc.

Ruling: Not a Date. (He likes your friend/not over ex/can't talk to his bros/needs a counselor)

Scenario 4: Go out, dance, kiss.

Ruling: Sometimes a Date.

I also had a friend tell me it's a date when you think it is.  My response was that  if that is true, I have gone on a lot of dates without the other person knowing.

This is why I don't trust the label.  He may flirt with you, want to spend time with you, and kiss you but it's not a date unless he says it is or you are meeting from Okcupid.

I went on a date once (maybe more without knowing it).  He bought me dinner, brought me flowers, and said nice things.  I was 100% sure when he said: "If this isn't a date, what is it?"

Ruling: Date.

In these situations, I believe words speak louder than actions.  Which is why I make sure my words are always loud and clear. (foot in mouth)

Underrated Characters.

I recently watched 500 days of summer. again.  I had had a roller coaster of a week and I needed to recommit the film to memory.  I was feeling particularly Tom-ish at the time, and thought that I would resonate with his heartbreak due to my current circumstances.  Wrong.  I wasn't Team Tom, but I wasn't Team Summer either.  I was Team Truth Teller.

Remember when Tom tries to go on a date and then tells her nothing's going to happen? He's an idiot.  She is definitely the best character in the whole movie.  Other than Tom's sister, she's the only one in the movie who calls Bull Shit.

In case you don't remember her geunius insight and wisdom, here is a refresher:

Tom is saying Summer is a Robot or an Evil person.

Girl: Did she ever cheat on you?

Tom: No.

Girl: Did she ever take advantage of you in any way?

Tom: Umm no.

Girl: And she told you up front that she didn't want a boyfriend?

Tom pauses, then changes subject.

Most of us have these people in our lives.  Sometimes it's a sassy red head stating the obvious
(a role I tend to play even when my friends don't want me to), sometimes it's a sassy gay friend questioning your life choices, while other times it's just a patient friend reminding you of all of the people in your life that won't underrate you.  I know there are things my friends have been able to see all along, while I was blinded by false hope.  And I've been there for my friends when the rose colored glasses have finally come off.  Thank these people in you life.  Whether it's a long time friend or just someone passing through, these people challenge us to be real, and to actually spend time in good relationships rather than letting the destructive ones drag on.  It often just takes us a while to realize they aren't just being assholes when we are upset and that their honesty comes from compassion even if it is fueled by frustration. So if you miss your chance to thank them, and you realize later that they were right, thank the universe for their existence.

Thanks universe for my friends.

  

When I Grow Up.

I have never understand the concept of "growing-up." When I was little I was told I would be a woman someday.  I freaked.  What's a woman?  My emotionally charged answer was "I don't want to be a woman, I want to be Hannah!"  The idea of being something other than I already was did not sit well.  A grown-up sounded like a stranger, and I was taught to be afraid of them.  The notion of growing up still confuses me.  What is a grown-up?  What makes you a grown-up?  Being married?  Not in this century.  Having kids?  Heck no.  Being financially independent?  Ehhhh.  What if you stay on the family plan?  What if you can't find a job?  What if you want to support yourself and just travel?  Can you be a grown up without a nine to five?  I think I'm not alone in saying, I have no idea what makes a grown-up.  The only sure thing that dictates adulthood is the law, and according to that after 18 you are supposed to have it all together.

Still there are a lot of people out there who are wiser than me that I admire.  I would say I want to be like them when I grow-up, but I think growing up is a process.  Here are some people I want to be like today.

1. Tina Fey: Duh.
2. Stewart/Colbert: They are the only way I can look at what's going on in the world without crying.
3. Martin Luther King Jr: I've got lots of dreams.
4. Winston Churchill: He was a boss.  He lived in barracks chain smoking and drinking all day and still lived to be in his eighties.  That and surviving WWII.
5. Ellen DeGeneres: Clearly I like comedians.  And who doesn't want to be one that goes against the grain?
6. J.K. Rowling:  Perseverance is key.  And writing is a great way to get through tough times.
7. Ryan Gosling:  Be him? Okay I meant marry him.
8. My friends:  If I didn't want to be like my friends, I would say I need some new ones.
9. My parents: That may sound cliche, but I know a lot of people who don't want to be anything like their parents.  Keeping your kid's respect isn't guaranteed.
10. My friend Dylan, age 15.  What?  Who would want to be like a teenager?  If you ever start to lose faith in humanity, talk to a kid who has lived with cancer.  If he can have faith, I can too.

The Perks of Being a Wallweed.

Some people would be described as wallflowers.  They are quiet, mysterious, and attractive in a awkward yet intelligent way.  I am not one of those people.  Quiet is the furthest from the truth. Any attempt at mystery is given away because I'm honest to the point of bluntness.  And although I am intelligent, my awkwardness definitely trumps that in most social settings.  Needless to say I tend to stand out and not because I'm super suave.  If it's not my voice carrying across a room, it's my pink skinny jeans or my red hair.  Despite how much I may seem to stand out in a crowd, I still often feel like a wallflower.  Sometimes I feel overlooked or brushed to the side.  And unlike wallflowers, who inspire awe when discovered, I stay left with the other wallweeds who rarely get much more than acknowledgement they exist. We wallweeds live in the same soil as the cool kids, just dressed in our own petals.

The thing is, one person's weed is another person's flower.  Some walk by dandelions without slowing down.  Some pick them and cast them aside.  Some try to crush their roots to make room for more socially acceptable flowers.  Alas, they keep coming back, insisting on being noticed by matching the bright yellow of the sun.  But other people dare to stop.  Some of these people are wallflowers, who know uniqueness when they see it; others may be the favored rose who is ready for something else in their bouquet.  One weed may recognize the beauty in another, even if they are still in denial of their own.  Weeds make the best flowers.  If you pick a dandelion at the right time, it might just make your wishes come true.