Being Sassy.

If you ask my friends three words to describe me they would probably say, “Wonderful, Charming, Best Person Ever.”  Just kidding.  They would probably say sassy, sassier, and sassiest.  I have a tendency to speak my mind and make sure everyone knows when I’ve entered the room.  Breaking news, I know.  Although I think I will be S4L (Sassy for Life), I do think my current relationship status plays into it.  Being single has become part of my identity, and being overly opinionated and slightly obnoxious about it goes along with that.  (Meek single girls don’t stay single for long.  But do make me want to throw up.)  My freshmen year of college, one of my bffs said my sass was a way to weed out the weak ones.  I like to think so.  It also serves as a defense mechanism to keep potential mates at arms length.  I don’t need you! I am strong!  

Let’s be real, everyone needs somebody.  It’s human nature.  For right now, the sass shield only goes down for close friends and family, the people who I trust not to take advantage of my vulnerabilities.  (Despite what you may think, my heart is not made of stone.)  And the sass shield will probably go down for SOS (someone sarcastic), but he’ll have to be willing to put his shield of sarcasm down too.

Zac Efron.

I am lucky to part of the age cohort where High School Musical was socially acceptable to watch.  I could watch it with friends as a “joke” in reality just to see Zac dance all over the screen.  I am also blessed to be close enough in age to Zac to be the future Mrs. Efron. I have followed him closely throughout his Disney days, and have remained faithful as he has explored other roles (You know, attractive singer in the 50s, attractive guy who dates an movie star, attractive guy who dates a dead girl. Okay, same role, different plot.)  His two minute stroll in 17 again was made for all adoring fans like me.  If you resemble Zac in any way, or just happen to have perfect hair, buy aviators and a leather jacket.  Trust me, it can only help.  And then call me.

I have hope for Mr. Efron’s acting success (unless he gets in a terrible accident and becomes deformed).  I am anticipating his part in “The Lucky One” with bated breath.  A starring role in a Nicholas Sparks movie can only mean good things, for actors’ success as well as viewers.  (Well good for the viewers until they realize how unrealistic nature of the story line sinks in.  No REAL man is actually like any character Mr. Sparks creates.  It’s called fiction for a reason.  I believe in love, not infatuation, or encouraging dysfunction.)

So with the end of Zanessa (please, high school couldn’t last forever), all I need to do now is move to L.A. and casually bump into Zac in a coffee shop, whilst reading some intellectually stimulating book we can connect over.  (Movie stars have depth, right?)    

Religion.

It is common knowledge religion is a touchy subject.  Whatever you believe, you want it to be accepted by others.  You also want to be correct.  This can cause a lot of problems in relationships if the two person’s belief systems do not match up.  Whose religion will you adopt as a couple?  What will you do with hypothetical children?  Stress. full.  If you’re single, you don’t have to worry about this.  I don’t know about other traditions, but in Christianity, being with someone who has the right views is of top priority.  Obviously Jesus is the way, the truth and the life and everyone else is just wrong.  If you stay single, you don’t have to worry about people who don’t agree with this fact.  There’s no risk about falling for someone who is still a good person but doesn’t exactly believe what you’ve been told he should.  You also don’t have to worry about discovering your soul mate is going to hell.  Yeah it happens, good people get damned.  Some people argue there are lots of translations and interpretations of the Bible, and the fact that only men wrote it poses a problem.  I call that Hippie Bull.  I’ve got to make sure I remain in eternity with my husband, so he better have said all the right prayers and sung the right songs.  I don’t want my household on opposite sides of the war on Christmas; I’ve got bigger things to worry about like using guilt to make my kids behave, either with Santa Claus or fundamentalism.

But in all seriousness, I get it.  It is way easier for me to be a pluralist, Christian universalist, ordain-everyone-who-feels-called, Presbyterian (USA!) while on my own. Then again, religion is one of my favorite topics of conversation, and I love getting to know what others believe.  I’ll just have to find someone who thinks so too.    

Kids.

I am obsessed with children.  My friend has a baby that looks like me.  I really want to go to the playground and pretend she’s mine.  My biological clock started ticking as soon as I hit puberty.  The major reason keeping me from popping out a kid is the fact that I’m single.  I’d rather not raise a kid on my own, financially or emotionally.  So for now, I can just play with my friends’ children without having to actually think about when I want kids.  And then hand them back.  There’s no awkward conversation I need to have with my husband, no pending disagreements or pressure because children are a long time away.  (Unless, my gay best friend finally tells me I can borrow his sperm.) Kids are great, but so is sleeping through the whole night.

Listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You.”

Like much of Taylor and Beyonce’s musical musings, Adele’s “Someone Like You” is most appreciated whilst single.  (Or if you ended up with your second option.  That’s not a joke, it happens and I feel bad for those people.)  I have to admit, Adele has guts, showing up after he’s married.  Who does that?  I feel like that would not end well.  I can picture his response going something like this:

Shirtless guy opens door.

Guy: “What are you doing here?”

Adele: “I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded, for me it isn’t over.”

Guy: “Clearly.  I’m MARRIED. Sorry I’m not sorry, home wrecker.”

Girl in background: “Who is it, sweetie?”

Guy: “[to wife] Stage 5 clinger I told you about! [to Adele] uhh sorry, how’s the singer stuff going?”

Adele: “I have a great idea for a number one.”

Guy: “Yeah, okay. Good luck with that.”

End Scene.

Guy gets divorced and every time Adele is played on the radio a baby is born, crying.

Whether you have literally been in her situation, a tamer form of unrequited love (see Taylor Swift), had a bad day, or just need to eat a lot of ice cream, listen to Adele.  Chances are if any of the above mentioned situations apply to you, there’s a higher probability you aren’t in a relationship.  And that you’ve cried to the song and screamed “That’s me!” during the recent SNL skit.  As my bff put it recently:

Cuss.

"someone like you" just came on in this coffee shop.

and it's gotten unnaturally quiet...

someone somewhere is crying to that song.

It’s like facebook stalking, we’ve all done it.  The only difference is that single people do it on the reg.
      
Note: I haven’t actually cried while listening to this song.  Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb”, however,  is a different situation.  True story.  And it wasn’t even over a guy, just graduation.  I’m as tough as nails, can’t you tell?

Applying to Graduate School.

Since I’m in the process of applying to graduate school, one of my mentors keeps telling me to be happy I’m single.  She’s says this to comfort me when I complain about the lack of suitors lining up at my door.  (I mean, I don’t want to be single forever.)  But in all seriousness, I will relish in the fact that I get to go to graduate school where I want, without having to factor someone else in.  I know many couples who have survived this feat (including my parents), so I’m not saying it can’t be done.  I admire these people. For me, however, being single has just made me realize how opinionated and independent I really am.  (My friends figured this out YEARS ago and my parents have known this for roughly two decades and some change.)  But it has taken me a couple of years of self reflection to actually admit this.   So, until I find the-one-with-which-i-am-willing-to-compromise, I can be as totally academic and career focused as I want. (Or more realistically, as much of a social butterfly as I want.)

Making Servers Uncomfortable.

My favorite game in the whole world is the check game.  I get so excited about how miserably the waitress is going to fail when she guesses who is together, I get so distracted I can hardly eat.  If you asked the restaurant world, I date a lot.  I would be eating free all the time.  Not the case.  I can’t fault them though; when you have ten people come in for dinner and half of them are married, it is an easy mistake to make.  (That’s what I get for having such normal friends.  They get married and I get to awkwardly correct waiters.)     

Sometimes, I really want to tell the server what is actually happening between myself and the person they pair me with at the moment.  Saying “separate” just gets a little boring, I need some spice in life as well as my food.  My responses would go a little like this:  “Yeah, he’s cute, but we fall on opposite sides of the political spectrum.” or “Just because we’re both hippies doesn’t mean we’re together.” or “I know we’re cute, believe me I’ve tried.  It’s not my choice these checks or separate.”  My most frequent response would be “Yes, we are soul mates, including the fact we both like men.”

If I wasn’t so worried about scaring off my male friends, as I already do with my long line of suitors, I would use these responses.  For now, I’ll just awkwardly look away or giggle to myself.  Or just learn how to communicate telepathically with the waiter so they can also enjoy how ridiculous my life is.