If my life were a movie, I would be played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Despite my seemingly cynical attitude, I love romantic comedies.  Give me some sap and hope for the future, unless it's so super over the top there's no dose of reality at all (cough cough Nicholas). But when reflecting on my life, I often finding myself relating more to the male characters of these films.  Maybe I've watching the wrong movies.  May I just don't fit the rom com mold (FACT, no one does).  For some reason, in my favorite movies and TV series, I tend to empathize most with the melodramatic male.

How so, you may ask.  Well, here's where I find myself between a skirt and a pants place in 500 Days of Summer, The Art of Getting By, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, and How I Met Your Mother.

I'm Tom dropping not at all obvious hints of interest, thinking people can read my mind.

I'm George in denial, telling people there's nothing happening.

I'm Pete falling for my friend, waiting for the perfect timing to tell.

I'm Ted, hoping that their mind will change if I just keep trying.

So my question is, where are these men in real life?  Are these hipster hollywood writers just trying to be ironic?  Wet get one message from society that girls are clingy and guys don't have emotions, but then we get another: that there are all these emtional, sensitive, ready to be vulerable guys out there.  Maybe I haven't found one because opposites attract but I don't really believe that.  I think it's because somethimes in life, it's less scary to be rejected than the fear of falling hard and not getting back up.  It's easier to chase after people we know we can never keep up with.  It's also really tired and I'm out of breath.

So if you're a Tom, Pete, or George (Ted has just gotten sad, let's be real):

Nice to meet you.  I'm Autumn.

I want more than OK, Cupid.

So here's the thing: I'm not one of those girls looking for a husband on a first date.  But i'm also not looking for sex on a first date either.

Since our generation has successfully killed the concept of casual dating, you see my dilemma.

Being a woman of the 21st century, I thought I could single handedly revive our dating culture.  WRONG.  Every time I ask a guy out, it's like I'm asking him to commit right then and there.  Did I ask you to be my boyfriend/husband/evenforaseconddate?  I missed that, take your ego down a notch.  

On the other hand, I don't really want to waste time either.  If I know (or when I know) that we would never ever get together (sung in T Swift voice), I won't string you along.  It's not fair to you or me or my friends who put up with me talking about it.  That being said, I know it can take a while to figure all of that out.  Which is why I wish dating didn't feel like a race down the aisle in which I missed the gun shot.

Searching for a soul mate feels like looking for a needle in a haystack.  It's tedious and takes a lot of work and even more patience.  And when I do find one I just end up getting pricked.  I put a band-aid on the wound but it leaves scars that are still visible as I start to look for a new one.  Some scars become calloused and rough, making me less sensitive to getting hurt again, other wounds are so fresh that they reopen even at the slightest touch.

Needless to say, I'm done with haystacks.

Now I feel like I'm looking for a diamond in the rough.  Not one that knows it's shiny and bright and is boastful with it's shine.  I want one whose flaws I can see, and whose imperfections make it brilliant and unique.  Others may have buried the diamond deep in the sand, or not noticed how it reflects the sun.  I will, and when I hold it in my hand I will forget the scars are even there; all I will see is my reflection in the face of something beautiful.

Everyone deserves more than just ok.  I don't want to be ok for someone or have someone just be ok for me.  So this Valentine's Day, I'm not settling for just ok.  I'm spending it with my way more than ok friends instead.

Post-Text Stress Disorder.

Message sending.....


                                                      Sent.

                                                                                          Panic.


Flashbacks to times of responses like "k" or worse, no response at all.

Check phone to re-read what I wrote.

Self talk: It's fine, it's fine.  And if he freaks out that's his problem anyway.

2 hours later....

Check phone for response.

Go down the hall to find room mate. 

"Does this makes sense?  Was this too much?  Sorry, I'm just over thinking it?"

"Umm let me see.  Yeah that looks normal. He hasn't responded?"

"No..."

"That doesn't mean anything!  He is probably (insert thousands of excuses why someone doesn't responded to texts, including having a life.)"

"Okay, cool. I feel better."

Nervously check phone every couple hours until...


A. Give up and delete it so I can pretend it never happened.
B. Receive response and
           1. Intentionally wait 30 minutes to respond.
           2. Respond and brace self for another PTSD episode.


Post-Text Stress Disorder will be experienced by 90% of individuals during the course of their lifetime and 100% of people under the age of 30.  Average age of onset is 15, but can occur as early as whenever a child gets a phone.  Best chances of recovery with early diagnosis.  To prevent PTSD, learn how to communicate face to face.  Anxiety from in person communication can be easily treated with flooding and systematic desensitization. 

If you think someone is suffering from PTSD, send them a text and see if they panic.  Or take away their phone.  Withdrawal symptoms includes begging, crying, and acting like a moody teenager.