Being Sassy.

If you ask my friends three words to describe me they would probably say, “Wonderful, Charming, Best Person Ever.”  Just kidding.  They would probably say sassy, sassier, and sassiest.  I have a tendency to speak my mind and make sure everyone knows when I’ve entered the room.  Breaking news, I know.  Although I think I will be S4L (Sassy for Life), I do think my current relationship status plays into it.  Being single has become part of my identity, and being overly opinionated and slightly obnoxious about it goes along with that.  (Meek single girls don’t stay single for long.  But do make me want to throw up.)  My freshmen year of college, one of my bffs said my sass was a way to weed out the weak ones.  I like to think so.  It also serves as a defense mechanism to keep potential mates at arms length.  I don’t need you! I am strong!  

Let’s be real, everyone needs somebody.  It’s human nature.  For right now, the sass shield only goes down for close friends and family, the people who I trust not to take advantage of my vulnerabilities.  (Despite what you may think, my heart is not made of stone.)  And the sass shield will probably go down for SOS (someone sarcastic), but he’ll have to be willing to put his shield of sarcasm down too.

Zac Efron.

I am lucky to part of the age cohort where High School Musical was socially acceptable to watch.  I could watch it with friends as a “joke” in reality just to see Zac dance all over the screen.  I am also blessed to be close enough in age to Zac to be the future Mrs. Efron. I have followed him closely throughout his Disney days, and have remained faithful as he has explored other roles (You know, attractive singer in the 50s, attractive guy who dates an movie star, attractive guy who dates a dead girl. Okay, same role, different plot.)  His two minute stroll in 17 again was made for all adoring fans like me.  If you resemble Zac in any way, or just happen to have perfect hair, buy aviators and a leather jacket.  Trust me, it can only help.  And then call me.

I have hope for Mr. Efron’s acting success (unless he gets in a terrible accident and becomes deformed).  I am anticipating his part in “The Lucky One” with bated breath.  A starring role in a Nicholas Sparks movie can only mean good things, for actors’ success as well as viewers.  (Well good for the viewers until they realize how unrealistic nature of the story line sinks in.  No REAL man is actually like any character Mr. Sparks creates.  It’s called fiction for a reason.  I believe in love, not infatuation, or encouraging dysfunction.)

So with the end of Zanessa (please, high school couldn’t last forever), all I need to do now is move to L.A. and casually bump into Zac in a coffee shop, whilst reading some intellectually stimulating book we can connect over.  (Movie stars have depth, right?)    

Religion.

It is common knowledge religion is a touchy subject.  Whatever you believe, you want it to be accepted by others.  You also want to be correct.  This can cause a lot of problems in relationships if the two person’s belief systems do not match up.  Whose religion will you adopt as a couple?  What will you do with hypothetical children?  Stress. full.  If you’re single, you don’t have to worry about this.  I don’t know about other traditions, but in Christianity, being with someone who has the right views is of top priority.  Obviously Jesus is the way, the truth and the life and everyone else is just wrong.  If you stay single, you don’t have to worry about people who don’t agree with this fact.  There’s no risk about falling for someone who is still a good person but doesn’t exactly believe what you’ve been told he should.  You also don’t have to worry about discovering your soul mate is going to hell.  Yeah it happens, good people get damned.  Some people argue there are lots of translations and interpretations of the Bible, and the fact that only men wrote it poses a problem.  I call that Hippie Bull.  I’ve got to make sure I remain in eternity with my husband, so he better have said all the right prayers and sung the right songs.  I don’t want my household on opposite sides of the war on Christmas; I’ve got bigger things to worry about like using guilt to make my kids behave, either with Santa Claus or fundamentalism.

But in all seriousness, I get it.  It is way easier for me to be a pluralist, Christian universalist, ordain-everyone-who-feels-called, Presbyterian (USA!) while on my own. Then again, religion is one of my favorite topics of conversation, and I love getting to know what others believe.  I’ll just have to find someone who thinks so too.    

Kids.

I am obsessed with children.  My friend has a baby that looks like me.  I really want to go to the playground and pretend she’s mine.  My biological clock started ticking as soon as I hit puberty.  The major reason keeping me from popping out a kid is the fact that I’m single.  I’d rather not raise a kid on my own, financially or emotionally.  So for now, I can just play with my friends’ children without having to actually think about when I want kids.  And then hand them back.  There’s no awkward conversation I need to have with my husband, no pending disagreements or pressure because children are a long time away.  (Unless, my gay best friend finally tells me I can borrow his sperm.) Kids are great, but so is sleeping through the whole night.

Listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You.”

Like much of Taylor and Beyonce’s musical musings, Adele’s “Someone Like You” is most appreciated whilst single.  (Or if you ended up with your second option.  That’s not a joke, it happens and I feel bad for those people.)  I have to admit, Adele has guts, showing up after he’s married.  Who does that?  I feel like that would not end well.  I can picture his response going something like this:

Shirtless guy opens door.

Guy: “What are you doing here?”

Adele: “I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded, for me it isn’t over.”

Guy: “Clearly.  I’m MARRIED. Sorry I’m not sorry, home wrecker.”

Girl in background: “Who is it, sweetie?”

Guy: “[to wife] Stage 5 clinger I told you about! [to Adele] uhh sorry, how’s the singer stuff going?”

Adele: “I have a great idea for a number one.”

Guy: “Yeah, okay. Good luck with that.”

End Scene.

Guy gets divorced and every time Adele is played on the radio a baby is born, crying.

Whether you have literally been in her situation, a tamer form of unrequited love (see Taylor Swift), had a bad day, or just need to eat a lot of ice cream, listen to Adele.  Chances are if any of the above mentioned situations apply to you, there’s a higher probability you aren’t in a relationship.  And that you’ve cried to the song and screamed “That’s me!” during the recent SNL skit.  As my bff put it recently:

Cuss.

"someone like you" just came on in this coffee shop.

and it's gotten unnaturally quiet...

someone somewhere is crying to that song.

It’s like facebook stalking, we’ve all done it.  The only difference is that single people do it on the reg.
      
Note: I haven’t actually cried while listening to this song.  Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb”, however,  is a different situation.  True story.  And it wasn’t even over a guy, just graduation.  I’m as tough as nails, can’t you tell?

Applying to Graduate School.

Since I’m in the process of applying to graduate school, one of my mentors keeps telling me to be happy I’m single.  She’s says this to comfort me when I complain about the lack of suitors lining up at my door.  (I mean, I don’t want to be single forever.)  But in all seriousness, I will relish in the fact that I get to go to graduate school where I want, without having to factor someone else in.  I know many couples who have survived this feat (including my parents), so I’m not saying it can’t be done.  I admire these people. For me, however, being single has just made me realize how opinionated and independent I really am.  (My friends figured this out YEARS ago and my parents have known this for roughly two decades and some change.)  But it has taken me a couple of years of self reflection to actually admit this.   So, until I find the-one-with-which-i-am-willing-to-compromise, I can be as totally academic and career focused as I want. (Or more realistically, as much of a social butterfly as I want.)

Making Servers Uncomfortable.

My favorite game in the whole world is the check game.  I get so excited about how miserably the waitress is going to fail when she guesses who is together, I get so distracted I can hardly eat.  If you asked the restaurant world, I date a lot.  I would be eating free all the time.  Not the case.  I can’t fault them though; when you have ten people come in for dinner and half of them are married, it is an easy mistake to make.  (That’s what I get for having such normal friends.  They get married and I get to awkwardly correct waiters.)     

Sometimes, I really want to tell the server what is actually happening between myself and the person they pair me with at the moment.  Saying “separate” just gets a little boring, I need some spice in life as well as my food.  My responses would go a little like this:  “Yeah, he’s cute, but we fall on opposite sides of the political spectrum.” or “Just because we’re both hippies doesn’t mean we’re together.” or “I know we’re cute, believe me I’ve tried.  It’s not my choice these checks or separate.”  My most frequent response would be “Yes, we are soul mates, including the fact we both like men.”

If I wasn’t so worried about scaring off my male friends, as I already do with my long line of suitors, I would use these responses.  For now, I’ll just awkwardly look away or giggle to myself.  Or just learn how to communicate telepathically with the waiter so they can also enjoy how ridiculous my life is. 

Groomsmen.

What’s more fun when you’re single then watching other people be extremely happy because they have found their soul mate?  Weddings are great when you’re single only if the Groomsmen (or Bridesmaids) are hot.  But even more importantly, (I know, what’s more important than hot groomsmen?) weddings are a good reality check to see if you’re ready.  If you experience panic and a sense of suffocation when the couple says “until death do us part,” it is probably a good idea to hold onto your single status a little while longer.  Plus, I enjoy being happy for my married friends.  If they can do it, so can I.  In the next decade.

Being Awkward.

My life is like the show the New Girl.  If you haven’t seen it, GO WATCH IT.  I can relate to like 95% of the uncomf things that Jess does.  And sure, I bet it’s totally great to have someone who loves all your quirks and totally accepts them (or at least just rolls his eyes) but it’s got to be less entertaining.  Waiting to see how someone responds to your awkwardness is just part of the thrill of the hunt.  I don’t usually like to play games (remember, I’m the girl who says “I like you” prematurely) but how-is-he-going-to-react-today is pretty fun.  It’s only as awkward as you make it.  (Or when people decide to point it out.  I’ve never understood that.  Instead of relieving tension it just multiplies it by like 100.)

So until I find someone who finds me adorkable, I am just going to try and weird out as many people out as possible.  In the last year, probably due to the place I live and the people I live with, my awkwardness has dramatically increased.  I’m going to enjoy it until for some weird reason someone finds it endearing.  (Can’t wait to see how awkward that person is.)  

Eating Ice Cream.

Ice cream is awesome.  After dogs, this cold confection is human kinds’ best friend. Ben and Jerry are well aware of the importance of ice cream and its necessity in our lives.  They are also aware that the best thing about ice cream is not sharing.  Pints were created for a reason.  When you’re single, you don’t have to compromise on flavor or quantity.  I guess you and your significant other could get your own respective pints, but then you have to worry about being judged when you eat more than him.  And who wants to cuddle when you’ve just ate 1,000 calories of half-baked. Not. Hot.  Does my ice cream food baby turn you on?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.  For now I’ll eat my ice cream whilst watching 500 days of summer in peace, then sprawl out in the bed not having to worry about grossing anyone out.  

Not Having to Call.

Going out with married or almost married friends you learn to expect one thing.  The check in.  You call to invite them, and even if they are 99% sure they are available they have to see what Jay, Sean, or Chris is doing first.  I have to check too.  His first name is My, his last name, Calendar.  This is when I’m really grateful I don’t have to coordinate my wishes, desires, and afternoon ice cream around another person.  Yeah sure, someday I’ll grow up and find the person I’m willing to compromise with blah, blah, blah.  (Again, where are you???  Have I been friend zoned by the whole wide world?)  But right now, I’m going to relish the fact that my time is mine, and I’m always up for anything (depending on who is asking).

Being Indecisive.

It’s taken me a while to decide what to write for this one.  Probably because no one is giving me an ultimatum.  And honestly, I don’t really need to decide.  When you’re single, you can take as long as you want (well, except when paying the bills) to make decisions. If you don’t know what you want for dinner, it doesn’t matter, no one is depending on you for anything.  Lack of ability to make decisions may affect your friendships (you know who you are), but it’s not a deal breaker.  A significant other may leave you, let’s say, if you can’t decide what you want out of a relationship, but a friend shouldn’t. If so, I don’t think this person really just wants to be friends.  

It is also more socially acceptable to let your friends tell you what to do as opposed to a boyfriend or girlfriend.  For example, it is totally fine if your friend decides what you want for breakfast, but not so okay for a boyfriend to.  (Unless you live in the 1950s.  And even then it probably wasn’t okay.  Why do you think the women’s movement started?  No I don’t want pancakes, I want waffles you asshole.)  When you’re single, you can change your mind as much as you want.  The only timeline you run on is your own.  Want to live in the woods? Great.  Want to study in Paris? Awesome.  Want to go to graduate school in California?  Cool.  Want to farm in Italy? Do it.  Change your major five times? Doesn’t matter, no one is depending on you to “get a real job,” or “settle down,” (except your parents, but that’s en entirely different situation).  When you are single, you can live life in the moment, procrastinating on making decisions.  And when you do actual decide something, relish in the freedom of making decisions for yourself.

Disclaimer:  I’m not really indecisive.  I plan everything, and freak out when I change my mind.  It’s kind of a problem actually.  One of my friends, on the other hand, can not decide anything.  I’m trying to emulate her.  It’s working out so far.  I think; I’m not really sure.

Blogging.

So I am sure there are tons of people out there in relationships who have blogs. But let’s be real about this, they can’t be THAT good.  Just imagine: if I had a boyfriend, I would put all my energy into having a great relationship and wouldn’t have time to write hilarious posts for the cyber world to enjoy.  And if I were in a relationship my life would not be as nearly as entertaining as it is now.  (Actually maybe more so.  Next Blog: Dating Dont’s.  Just need to date first....)  A relationship would only benefit one person, (him obviously, because he would be blessed with all of my humor and wit) whereas blogging benefits thousands of people all across the world.  (Okay, a few dozen of my Facebook friends and ten viewers in Russia.)  So enjoy this while it lasts people; there may come a time where I am spending my days with an actual person rather than pen and paper (or keyboard and blogger). 

Flirting.

It may not come as a surprise that I am super smooth.  In bars, in class, at church, I know how to strike up a conversation with a cute guy, anywhere, anytime.  I’m suave, witty and charming, pretty much the perfect catch.  The thing about being single is all this greatness isn’t missed by anyone.  I can flirt with anyone and everyone (if they meet my long list of requirements), because I don’t have to worry about one person getting jealous (just everyone being jealous of how coy I am).  I’m so glad I’m not attached, due to all the awesome people I get to know, and all the suitors I don’t have to worry about turning down.  (It's a rough life.)

Okay, I lied.  I am horribly bad at flirting.  When guys laugh I’m sure most of the time it’s at me and not with me.  Granted, some of the time I’m probably endearing (or at least I’m going to keep telling myself that), but 95% of the time I’m not.  My idea of flirting is over analyzing someone within a thirty minute conversation, just to make sure they know I’m extremely perceptive and can already list all their flaws.  It’s works SO well.  It always leads to romantic dinner zero percent of the time.  But the few times I get it right, flirting is fun and I am glad I can get to know someone new without worrying about how someone is going to interpret my actions.  (or misinterpret.  Just kidding, that happens a lot.)